Tag Archives: acceptance

The Miracle of Letting Go and Acceptance.

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There has been so much going on in my life in the last few months, exciting, fun, as well as challenging and deep. I have gotten married; supported my teen through some difficult moments, and started planning a move to the south. In the most recent days, I have remembered again the gift there is in letting go and accepting what is.

My desire to hold onto things, situations, people or circumstances, comes from a couple very specific areas of my being. First, it is almost always an attempt to control the world around me. For me, control has been something that I have struggled with much of my life, wanting to have it when I felt I was out of control. This control has done its share in breaking down relationships in the past, and the need for it is based in nothing of substance.

Another reason I want to hold tight to things is that, especially in situations when I feel powerless, I want to at least do SOMETHING. I want to feel needed, of use to someone or something, or at least feel like in a difficult situation there is something that can be done, and I usually want to be the one to do it.

The one that may be the most powerful reason for wanting to hold on tightly to things in this world, is that I often have my own agenda, my own expectations about the way that I want my life to go or for things to work out. I want the wedding plans to go a certain way; I want my teen to choose this school or major; I want my job to be this certain way for me. Me, me, me. I know many of us can identify, and I don’t say these things as a way to criticize myself; it is just the way it is for much of the human psyche.

The beautiful thing that I get to remember, when it is that I do remember, is that in the letting go, in the acceptance of how things are in this moment, there is complete peace. Even if only for a moment, and there are many instances when I only experience this for a brief moment in time, I feel at ease, because there is nothing that I need to do, no one that I need to save, no expectation or bias that I need to cater to. I can just look upon the world with gentle eyes and accept it for what IS.

This doesn’t mean that there won’t be difficult times in my life, of course there will. It doesn’t even mean that those difficult times won’t fill me with deep sorrow, anger, or remorse of some sort. However, the more often that I can accept the present moment as it is, and be with it, no matter what it feels like, the more likely that I can be peaceful throughout it. And, it is also highly likely that I will judge others less often if I am accepting the world as it is.

You see, I am more and more often seeing the world with soft, gentle eyes, and therefore being able to see the beauty within it. The peace that rises in me when I am able to do this is tremendous. When I let go, and when I accept the world as it is, without judgment or authority, that is true surrender. That is what brings me peace.

That is the miracle.

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How About A Hug? Part 3: Give your arms a Rest.

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When I decided that I would spend an evening hugging persons blindfolded, I had no idea what my level of energy and stamina would be. I had a hunch that I would feel completely invigorated physically, because of the excitement within me around the project. And, to some degree, I was correct in that.

However, there were periods of time that I was holding my arms up for awhile, and they would get tired. I would lower them for a few seconds, stretching them out, and then put them up again.

But, something really interesting happened along the way, and it happened a couple of times before I realized it. Even when my arms would get tired, as soon as a person would come up to me for a hug, and I would wrap my arms around them tightly, after they would walk away, my arms would not be tired anymore. If anything, they felt well rested and light.

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Now, some of that relief was bound to happen, because in one sense, I was putting my arms down, and resting them on another person. Yet, my muscles within my arms were tense and strong when I would hug the person, and the rest would literally only be for a few seconds. So, I feel sure that the energized feeling my arms would experience were directly related to the experience itself, my own opening of my heart.

At one point, I had a person come by, who told me as she hugged me that she had hugged me earlier, and came by for a second one. Then, she went on to tell me, that her purpose was to help me to relax.

She told me after giving me a second, beautiful hug, to give my arms a rest. Her voice was gentle, kind and compassionate. And, her words went right to my heart. Right to the core of me, and was yet another confirmation of why this project felt so fulfilling to me.

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To be offering a gift to the world around me, with little anticipation of what would happen, and little ability to see what would happen, was opening my heart plenty. But, to then receive from a person, in such a genuine way, was to understand that my offering was how I was to deeply receive.

My life is so full of magic, wonder and peace. And, that continues to expand every day. Yet, to be in that small chunk of time, and encounter so many miracles of humanity, has exponentially increased my awareness and deep appreciation for the humans in the world around me. Even when we are so bombarded with how messed up this world is, there is kindness and love at every turn.

What a miracle.

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Easy to Love.

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I got to meet my co-worker’s new baby yesterday, three months old of beautiful cuteness. He was sweet, smiley and easy to fall all over. And, he got me thinking about how easy it is to love babies. Babies are cute, they smell good, and they just ooze innocence. Their beauty is evident in everything that they do, from smiling to cooing to the way that they move in the world.

So, it got me thinking even bigger and more deeply about how easy it is to love some people in this world. For me, babies are easy. Puppies and kittens, they are really easy. Even small children are way easy for me. And, today I was thinking about why that is, why is it that those cute little creatures are so easy to love?

For me, it is all about their innocence. They are new to the world, or at least, relatively so. They have just arrived, and their slates are clean. They are open, and free, and just expressing themselves all over the place. They are open to learning without a filter. Their innocence shines like the sun.

But, here is the kicker. The innocence for me, of puppies, kittens and babies, is easier for me to see. But the real truth is, we ALL are innocent beings. We all have our core self that is completely clean and clear of the woes and darkness that we may encounter in this world. Amidst the choices that we make and the lives that we lead, we still all are innocent in our nature.

I find it so easy to see the innocence in beings that are new to this world, and not so easy to see the innocence in the faces of those that I see everyday, whether they be close to me in my life or strangers driving by me on the highway. I have many filters through which I view these people, and based on what I think I know about the world, I judge them as good, or bad. And, I rarely see their innocence.

Today, I am working toward, yet again, seeing the true innocence in others. It doesn’t mean that I don’t see actions from others as they are; or even that I am naive to the world around me. It just means that I remember, know and understand that we are all vulnerable being, and able to be seen through the eyes of love and compassion. I remember that I don’t know anyone else’s story, I remember that I don’t know anything about another person’s experience. And yet, I can still see them as whole and full of light.

I can still remember the innocence of all of us.

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Cutting the cord.

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Okay, so I woke up this morning hungry. We had tried to maintain a seven day fast, of just juicing, with one raw veggie meal also a day, and after two days, we felt hungry, dissatisfied and foggy. Last night, after ignoring the hunger for hours, we had peanut butter and jelly sandwiches to fill the void. This morning, we decided to give up the juicing, and eat a beautiful breakfast of eggs, potatoes and salad. It was delicious. And nourishing. And self loving.

All is well, until I go to my closet to put on a pair of pants that I haven’t worn in awhile, a pair that are a size bigger than what I used to wear six months ago, and they fit more closely than I remembered the last time that I wore them. I begin to panic, to talk negatively to myself about eating a sandwich late at night; about having a big breakfast; about what ways I am fooling myself that I am not really trying to lose weight as I have been trying to lately. That I need to exercise more and eat less.

My head, frankly, was a fucking mess.

I stayed in that, for just a few minutes, rather than days. I didn’t panic, as I have done so many times before. I decided, after a few tears and realizations, that I am ready to let it all go. I am ready to just get down to loving my body, by taking loving care of it.

I am cutting the cord.

What I am cutting the cord on is many things. I am cutting the cord on the fantasy of what I think my body should look like. Now, I know that I have had these thoughts many times in my life, and I have even gone through the motions of working toward that. This is one more definitive step in going in that direction, toward self love and self acceptance. The fantasy is ten pounds less than I weigh right now, a weight that although felt powerful to maintain, didn’t feel peaceful, EVER. Although it at times felt self loving, it only did when I liked what I saw in the mirror, not what I felt within.

I am also cutting the cord on being fierce. I realized that although I have been fierce, compelled and obsessed about how I view my body, and try to maintain my weight in the past, I have never felt peaceful about it, a deep, lasting, penetrating peace.

I am craving and desiring that peace now. I know deeply that I DESERVE that peace.

Instead of judging myself, for everything that has to do with food, weight, body image and the mirror and scale, I am embracing loving myself, eating what feels good, healthy and whole, and seeing myself as I really am, not what the mirror tells me. Or, what my head looking in the mirror tells me.

What I am looking to see in the mirror is not this skin, not this vessel that I reside in. It is what is deeply on the inside.

When I really think about it, my thinking about my body, my weight and by default, my self, has been limiting, with boundaries and expectations around it that aren’t loving, but rather a reflection of what I think I should look like and be. When I expand beyond those limitations, and remove those limits, the feelings of freedom, release and peace are there waiting for me.

With a vision of health, self love, and balance and peace, I will feel at ease in this beautiful body that I am living in, and finally understand what it is like to truly love who I am and what I have to offer.

Blessed BE!

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Buy bigger pants.

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Me and my weight. Myself and my distorted body image. We go WAY back. As I have talked about many times on my blog here, I have a love/hate relationship with my body, my weight, and how I feel about losing or gaining.

It has been a daily part of my thinking, living and breathing since I was a child.

Now, since I have fallen in love, and spent my time really taking a bite out of my life, I have gained some weight. Add to that the six week stretch of holiday foods since mid November, and the tally is probably around ten to fifteen pounds. I don’t have an exact count, because I have avoided getting on the scale, with which I also have a love/hate relationship for most of my life.

Three weeks ago, I felt tired of my work pants fitting me a bit too snugly. I was sick of wearing the same one pair of jeans and one pair of nylon wind pants every weekend for my leisure wear. So, I went to the consignment store, and I bought myself four new pairs of pants.

In a bigger size.

This was me saying “F YOU!” to my cardinal rule, to NEVER buy clothes in a bigger size. To me, that was always the kiss of death. When you buy bigger clothes, you are giving yourself permission to break your rules about food and your weight and let yourself keep gaining.

What a bunch of crap that is. I am so tired of feeding myself this line and believing it.

The real story is, that I can choose to embrace who I am at any given moment. I am perfect, JUST THE WAY I AM. Why go through even ONE DAY in pants that don’t fit me? When I give myself comfort, I give myself love, respect, consideration and honor. Isn’t that what I really want for myself?

Absolutely.

When I wore a pair of those new pants for the first time, I felt like a new person. I felt light, and free, and comfortable and confident. I didn’t see a fat person in the mirror, staring back at me. I saw a woman who is confident and caring for herself.

I want to be healthy. I want to be fit and comfortable in my own skin. I am finally learning the lesson that to be comfortable in my own skin isn’t about the size of my pants, or my belly, or a number on a scale. Being comfortable in my own skin is about loving myself fully for who I am right now, and always striving to be my healthiest, most balanced self.

And, life is way too short to wear tight pants. PHEW.