Tag Archives: change

Sea of Change.



My life has been a series of deep changes in the last few months. In the areas of my work, my play, my family, and my home, changes have been everywhere. And, for most of my life, I have made a determination in my mind and my heart of whether a change was good, or bad. Hardly ever have I encountered a change about which I felt completely neutral.


There are many reasons of why I feel a sense of judgment about change occurring in my world. One reason is that I believe that if things change, then what I previously believed about a relationship was an illusion or a lie; that if that person no longer speaks to me or is in my life, that maybe all along they didn’t really care about me. If the circumstances of my job change, I immediately feel like maybe this isn’t the right position for me, or I feel betrayed in some way that change has occurred. If a change happens that I label as positive, it is always because things have turned out the way that I wanted in some form. 


The main reason that I would ever feel upset or concerned about a change that happens in my life is simply fear:  being afraid for a new circumstance to come in. Afraid of what is going to occur next. Fear of the unknown. When I am coming from fear, it almost certainly means that I am resisting what will come whether I embrace it or not. I want things to stay the same, because in sameness, it seems like there is safety, security, familiarity.  I want my world to stay as it is in those moments.


However, whether I want it to occur or not, changes do come in my world, on a daily basis. I am in my little vessel on the ocean of life, floating along, and the ocean doesn’t stay constant. If you spend any time on the coast, the only thing certain about the waves and sea is that it is constantly changing. The tides, the size of the waves, and color and texture of the ocean, is always in motion. It never stops. 


When I live my life in the past, through memory, regret or sentimental feeling, then any new circumstance or information that comes in that challenges that feels threatening to me. When I live in the future, in anticipation of what I want to happen, or am planning in my mind, when those plans get changed, I feel threatened and unappreciated or unheard. It may all sound very dramatic, but this is what occurs when I am not living presently, and I judge what happens around me as either good, or bad. 


The truth is, I will always be riding the ocean of life, always navigating my way through a sea of constant change. Life is ever changing; that cannot be disputed. How those changes impact me, or don’t, is always my choice, my intent. If I live my life as fully in the present moment as possible, watching life as if it were a movie, and understanding that change occurs whether I want it to or not, then I can be neutral about change. I can embrace that life, in all of its wonder and unique manifestations, can just be something that I watch unfold, and see the opportunities for learning and growth with every change in the waves. I can choose gratitude for every experience, no matter what comes my way.


Change comes to each one of us. We can enjoy the ride or curse the tide. I want to secure as much joy and peace as possible while I am on this voyage, so I choose this moment, as often as I can remember. 



Circle of Life.

photo (10)

I have been in deep study lately, not just of perspectives on life that I read in books, but more than ever, I have been in deep internal study.  Considering who I am, what this is, and why I am here.  Whether the world really exists or it doesn’t.  Things that feel worth considering at this phase in my existence, yet, disputes much of what I have learned in the past.


I really believe that our lives as humans is a process of taming, or domestication, as put by Don Miguel Ruiz, from the Four Agreements.  We are born wild, with no rules or structures yet put upon us.  Our needs are simple.  Our imaginations are forming.  What we see around is us brand new, so we see it freshly and excitedly, with a sense of curiosity, awe and wonder.  


Then, we realize that we have a choice, a voice, an ability to exert ourselves onto the world.  We start to say no, we start to run away from that which we were contained for so long.  We run toward things that seem interesting and worth exploring.  Then, we begin to be deeply educated in rules, laws, limits and expectations.  We learn that it is okay to do this, but not okay to do that.  We learn that it is important to be serious, and plan, and follow the rules as you are told.  We learn that to play is okay for a child, but when you grow up, play is something that is a thing of the past.  We learn to keep safe and not take chances and stay within the confines that have been put upon us.


These world structures, mind you, have no malice in them by those that put them upon us.  The persons that make and enforce the rules only want to keep us safe, and warm, and cared for.  Then, we begin to believe, maybe for a very long time, that the only existence that there is, the true reality, is that in which the rules define.  


Then, we come to the later years of our lives.  Maybe we are faced with death in some way.  Maybe some life changing experience alters our perspective.  Or maybe, we just have questions about whether or not this is all that there is.  Are we really just individual beings floating around in the same universe?  Or is there some aspect of oneness that exists?  


My life has become like a circle:  I was born not knowing; I learned; and then I began to unlearn that which no longer suited me.  Each of us was born wild and free; became tamed and domesticated; and then, sought to become wild and free again.  Yet, we have wisdom in the later part of our lives, so we are wise, wild and free again.  That is the journey.


Even though this is my journey that I speak of, no matter what book or philosophy I have heard about, learned or studied, this seems to be the path of many.  To come into this world as a clean slate; fill that slate with knowing that we believe is necessary; and then, cleaning the slate and going back to where we began.  Back to the egg.  Our Source.


Wise, wild, and free Again.  


sunrise lavender



There has been many changes that have happened in my life over the years. Changes in my family, immediate and extended; changes in my physical appearance and condition; changes in my job environment and in what I do; changes in where I am living. At the time that those changes were occurring, there was often excitement and anticipation; others there was that, and some nervousness. With some changes, there was even sadness, anger or resentment.

Change, without sounding too canned, is part of life. Things change. WE change, in every moment, believe it or not. The person that I am as I write this blog post is slightly different from who I was when I woke up this morning, and who I will be when I drive to work. It may be subtle changes in the course of a day, but over time, changes within ourselves, and in others, can be seen.

I have believed at times in my life that things didn’t need to change; that the situation as it was, was just fine. However, change is not always up to me. I see change as being two types. The first type of change is that which is mostly out of our control, the unexpected changes. Death and sickness I see as being the biggest of these examples. Although there are things we can do with our bodies and minds to keep them more healthy, sometimes illness occurs in spite of that, rather unexpectedly. Same with death; although we may know when it is we will die, often it is unexpected.

The second type of changes that I see are those that we are in control of to some degree. This includes starting a new job; entering a new relationship; moving to a new place. In the example of these changes, we make a conscious choice to have something different in our lives, and then decide whether to go toward it, or not to.

There is a subtle variation on this type of change, which I also believe is in our control. If we begin to feel unhappy, unfulfilled, or uncertain about part of our lives, we may believe that changes just “happen”. For example, I used to believe that people just fall out of love, that relationships just change. When I was in my relationships with some of my past partners, I thought that our familiarity, and assumption of routine over time, just “happened” to us. When I would go through brief bouts of feeling depressed and unhappy, I felt like it was just happening to me, and that there was nothing that I could do to avoid it.

I know better than that now. Part of that is my own growth, but most of that is because of a purposeful intention to think about change in a different way. Today, I understand and believe that change, most change in life, is in my power and control. My choice. If I want to feel sad, or I want to let my relationship become routine and no longer spontaneous and magical, I can do that. If I want more quality relationships with my family, I get to create that. Most occurrences in my life are in my control as to how they will turn out.

I get hung up sometimes, and forget that I can create the change. That it doesn’t just happen. However, when I do remember, which I always eventually do, I get to embrace change as transformation. And, transformation creates pure beauty in this world.


Buy bigger pants.


Me and my weight. Myself and my distorted body image. We go WAY back. As I have talked about many times on my blog here, I have a love/hate relationship with my body, my weight, and how I feel about losing or gaining.

It has been a daily part of my thinking, living and breathing since I was a child.

Now, since I have fallen in love, and spent my time really taking a bite out of my life, I have gained some weight. Add to that the six week stretch of holiday foods since mid November, and the tally is probably around ten to fifteen pounds. I don’t have an exact count, because I have avoided getting on the scale, with which I also have a love/hate relationship for most of my life.

Three weeks ago, I felt tired of my work pants fitting me a bit too snugly. I was sick of wearing the same one pair of jeans and one pair of nylon wind pants every weekend for my leisure wear. So, I went to the consignment store, and I bought myself four new pairs of pants.

In a bigger size.

This was me saying “F YOU!” to my cardinal rule, to NEVER buy clothes in a bigger size. To me, that was always the kiss of death. When you buy bigger clothes, you are giving yourself permission to break your rules about food and your weight and let yourself keep gaining.

What a bunch of crap that is. I am so tired of feeding myself this line and believing it.

The real story is, that I can choose to embrace who I am at any given moment. I am perfect, JUST THE WAY I AM. Why go through even ONE DAY in pants that don’t fit me? When I give myself comfort, I give myself love, respect, consideration and honor. Isn’t that what I really want for myself?


When I wore a pair of those new pants for the first time, I felt like a new person. I felt light, and free, and comfortable and confident. I didn’t see a fat person in the mirror, staring back at me. I saw a woman who is confident and caring for herself.

I want to be healthy. I want to be fit and comfortable in my own skin. I am finally learning the lesson that to be comfortable in my own skin isn’t about the size of my pants, or my belly, or a number on a scale. Being comfortable in my own skin is about loving myself fully for who I am right now, and always striving to be my healthiest, most balanced self.

And, life is way too short to wear tight pants. PHEW.

What Faith really means.

Faith without acts is nothing.

I am not sure who originally said it, but I know that I have heard it several times in my life, most recently in the rooms of AA. Words that help me in forging my new path in my life as I go forward with courage and vision.

To me, faith was such a complex word for many years of my life. I didn’t really know what it meant to have faith, and even though I would say at times that I had it, I am not sure if I really had the full sense of what it was to me. The best that I can remember, is that faith to me, was merely believing in a power greater than myself, and that I was always being watched over and cared for.

I say MERELY, because I understand that that is only one part, albeit an important one, of what faith really means.

Over the last two years especially, I have grown deeply in my belief in a power greater than myself, and that I am being watched over and cared for. For me, that higher power is rooted in my Native American lineage, and it is Great Spirit, which enables me to feel connected to the earth, my world, and other living creatures in a deep way. I am so grateful for that part of my faith.

However, I also used to define faith as something that you didn’t really have to DO anything with, except to believe. I understand now how short sighted that is. True, belief in something bigger than myself is a big part of that equation. However, it doesn’t remove me from my own responsibility in my life.

If I were to just believe, and have things not turn out as I would like, it makes it so easy to blame or hold responsible a power greater than myself. And I am bigger than that. I am the one accountable for the actions, the deeds, the steps that I use while standing in my faith, to create the life that I want it to be.

That means, whether I am facing a challenge, building a deep relationship, finding a new career, or caring for my body, I have to always be mindful of what I am doing to further myself along my path, that I am doing my part.

And, as I write that, I recall that the saying is that, faith without works is DEAD.

The truth is, I need to have such deep respect for myself and my life, that I am doing all that I can, to make it magical and extraordinary, and believe and have trust that I will be watched over through all of my steps and growth.

Now, that is faith that I can truly believe in.