Tag Archives: children

Time: My baby growing up.

So, my daughter, who is technically fourteen and a half years old now, is officially a high school Freshman. This fall, she will be walking the halls of our local high school as a student, not a visitor. It really has hit me that she is growing up, the time is passing quickly, and it has been an amazing ride.

Now, I have appreciated all phases of her life, and some have been more delicious than others. This picture is my favorite of her and I, because the total love that I have for her shows in my eyes. I am absolutely smitten. Still am. I am purely amazed and a bit scared, about how she has gone from this dependent little being, to the young woman that has to know how to be in the world.

Time. So funny, right? We have the same amount of time, each of us, in a day. Some of my days seem to go by slowly, others, speed away. The more engaged I am, the less I am aware of the fast of slow pace of the passing. I just enjoy it all more.

However, the passing of time, and the speed of it, that I DO notice more and more lately, is that of our daughter growing up, and becoming more her own person. Lovely, and scary at the same time.

No longer can I hold her and think that protects her enough from all there is in the world that can harm her. Now, I have to keep teaching her how to take care of herself. No more of taking care of her needs for her; it is the time of her taking things on for herself, and not needing me as much.

GULP.

A part of me is relieved; relieved to know that our kid is a young woman who knows how to BE in this world. However, there is a nagging part of me that also wants her to always need me, to always depend on my taking care of her. I will miss that as the years go by.

For now, I will revel in the moments when she snuggles up to me after dinner, or wants to watch a movie together, or shows me how she has decorated her room for tenth time.

Time. I need to honor my time with her, because the growing up stops for no one.

I am tired!

Today, I am tired. Not a time-change-and-have-to-adjust-to-it tired, not a life-is-wearing-me-out-tired. Not a “I can’t take it anymore” tired. Just, tired. Tired from all of the living that I am currently doing.

I am working really hard at my life right now, and I have to say, I am enjoying the toil. I am enjoying the physical exercise and diligence about what foods I eat. I am enjoying the arrangements for my new place to live and securing the details. I am enjoying the time that I am spending with our daughter. I am even enjoying the conversations, conflicts and resolutions that I are ongoing with my ex and myself. Those conversations are deep, difficult and necessary. And, I am learning about her, and myself as we keep going through them.

Keep moving forward, as my friend, Susan, told me last week. Keep moving forward.

So, that is what I am doing. I am planning, grieving, celebrating, dancing, resting, eating, and embracing. I am excited, nervous, scared, sad, and relieved. I know that my life is taking some terrific turns, and in this moment, I truly believe that I deserve them all. I know that I am living true to myself, and being truthful to others more than ever before in my whole life. That really feels amazing, to feel confident in what I am doing and who I am, even when confronted with what others think of me that is totally contrary to that.

I am confident and secure in who I am and where I am going. And, because I have planned, lived, and dreamed fully and passionately today, I am tired.

Good night.

The unexpected.

I am working so hard at my current coaching work, digging deeper. Looking at the really dark aspects of self. Making solid promises to myself and keeping them. Enhancing the relationships with those around me, and feeling my heart and soul opening up, bit by bit.

I feel ready for greatness, ready to take on a variety of challenges, ready to take down character traits, be open to love, and have the career of my dreams.

However, with all of the designing that I am doing, what I have not been designing for is the unexpected. Those life events that happen that we don’t see coming.

Mind you, I am even viewing this a bit differently since authoring my life, designing it in new and exciting ways. I have come to understand that many of the events that I would have previously described as unexpected- relationships shifting and changing, job issues intensifying, parents aging- today I feel equipped to address those types of situations, because as I design my life, I guide the process of those events that seem to have a bit of predictability to them.

However, I am talking about those shocker events, the ones which we really don’t feel prepared for at all; the ones that we have designed our lives to avoid. Sudden death. Illness of a loved one.

Now it could be said that even these events are a product of our design, and I don’t know if I am quite there in my mind yet. I just know that I had a bad dream this morning, right before awakening, about a tragic event with a family member. It was horrible; and when I was fully awake I kept thinking, “How will I be able to handle this, in light of this heightened awareness of self? Will the unexpected, tragic events feel any less devastating, any less painful?”

I am guessing that the pain of any abrupt and unexpected loss is still going to hurt like hell. The love that I have for myself, and the love that I also keep in my heart for others, will carry on after such abrupt losses occur. I guess that is part of the heart love; that it carries on forever, even when the physical presence of those persons are long gone. The love remains, and therefore, the pain remains, at least for a time. The void of where that person once stood or was present in our lives. Missing.

I awoke this morning, feeling out of sorts and full of an acute loss, thankfully only in my dreams. What I realize the most, is that even though the unexpected can be expected, that how I carry on, how I deal with that loss is all up to me. I may not be immune to its effects, however, I can remember the love, which will ease any pain I may feel.

And it is, after all, first and foremost about the love. Always.

Bubble gum sunrise

pinksunset

Yesterday was my birthday.  Forty seven years ago on August 31, I arrived in this world.    And, just for the occasion, the Universe bestowed upon me for my enjoyment, a bubble gum sunrise, not unlike the photo above.

 

PINK.  My life is a series of shades of pink.  Whether I am celebrating a birthday with my loved ones; driving on my way to work; anticipating an event coming up…….. it always comes up pink.  I find myself standing at the sink, putting away dishes in the morning, and a smile comes across my face.


That is a pink moment as well.

 

Life is a series of shades of pink, my life at least.  This is because every moment, every minute, every single event in my life is purposeful and good.  Even the bad stuff.  Even the painful stuff.  Oh, how much insight and reflection and knowledge even those bad moments have brought to me.

 

On my anniversary of my birth, so many messages of love, kindness and generosity were bestowed upon me.   I felt such a strong bond of love and human connection that it almost overwhelmed me.  To know that I have touched that many lives,  persons that now want to share joy with me, is a gift, an amazing thing to witness.

 

I was right all along; we are all connected; we all need one another.  I was right all along that this life is, indeed, Ubuntu.

 

For, I am because you are.  And, oh, how grateful I am for that. 

With a child’s eyes, a child’s soul, a child’s heart…….

So, one day to go.  The countdown is just about up.

We are leaving for Florida tomorrow.  Destination, family, and, DISNEY.

For the first time, EVER, for me, Jamie, Hannah, and my parents.

Is there an age that a person can be that isn’t suited for Disney?  Really, is there ANYTHING they haven’t thought of?  They even have “gay days” at the park. 

Seriously, I am a kid at heart, right down to my soul, anyway.  I absolutely love the energy and innocence and splendor in being child like, in seeing the world through hopeful, open eyes.  I don’t ever want to be jaded, or so cynical that a place like Disneyworld could be seen as nothing more than a way to make millions of dollars.

It is more than that to me.  It is pure magic.

When I walk the roadways and see the sights there, I know that I will be full of tears.  It is like a dream come true, to go to such a magical place, all based on a vision of a man who adored children and only wanted to make them happy.  Walt himself.

Hannah and Walt share the same birthday.  Cool huh?

I am hoping that the princesses that I come across won’t think I am too old for a hug.  I look forward to seeing the whole thing through our daughter’s eyes.  I want to sleep in an orange hotel room, and swim in a guitar shaped pool.  And eat french fries every day for a week if I choose.

I feel so blessed, so excited, so happy. 

So, DISNEY……