Tag Archives: coaching

Powerlessness.

“We admitted we were powerless over alcohol, that our lives had become unmanageable.” Step One, Alcoholics Anonymous

I have recently gotten a sponsor through AA, to begin doing some deeper work on the twelve steps of the program. Just as I had resisted the program itself in the beginning, as not being what I needed to get, and to stay sober, I have resisted having a willingness to getting a sponsor for months now. I believed that in many ways, I had worked on the steps, formally and informally, through my coaching work. I had done what I needed to do.

Yet again, a trait of mine, the one that knows everything, that potentially could trip me up from a recovery and life that I feel proud of fully.

So, I approached a woman in the program, who agreed to be my sponsor, and to help me to work the steps. I am pretty familiar with each step, and I have done some work on them. However, I was looking for a deeper meaning and purpose to why the program works for me.

We started two weeks ago, with reading about and discussing Step One. I have to say, this is the step that I have had difficulty with from the beginning, and not just in the rooms of AA. I have had trouble with this for most of my life, admitting powerlessness to situations and circumstances in my life.

I am a person, still at times, that wants to have control over most everything. Okay, sometimes, EVERYTHING, even. If I am at the helm, things will run more smoothly and be done correctly, is what my mind tells me when my control freak revs up. So, for me to consider that any issue in my life, including my alcoholism, has something to do with being powerless, I wanted none of it. Surely, there is something that I can do, or have done, that I am not some victim of this, that it isn’t something that just happened to me.

That felt really lame, and irresponsible in my mind, like I was saying, I can’t handle this, and therefore, not having to take the impact of the consequences.

What I am learning about powerlessness, today at least, is that to admit that we were powerless, means that we are dealing with something that is bigger than ourselves. It isn’t meant to be an out from taking responsibility for what we need to improve and to change; it just means, there may be some bigger challenges in keeping to that.

For me, addiction is something that I believe is part of me genetically; and, just like with my traits that I have learned to embrace so well, it doesn’t ever go away completely. I just learn how to cope with it, and make healthier choices for myself, a day at a time.

Today, I am able to see powerlessness not as a lack of power and control in my life; but rather, a turning over and admittance to needing help. It is humility, not arrogance or disregard.

Today, powerlessness empowers me to create a bigger, brighter life for me.

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Honoring Time.

As I have gotten deeper into my coaching training through the Handel Group,I have become much more aware of my time, and how I am spending it. I have bought new calendars, kept to do lists, and organized in several different ways to really make sure that my time was being spent in the most efficient, productive way possible. I have learned how to manage my time.

And, not been so great at it much of the time. Then, last week, I had a revelation of sorts.

The more that I kept at working on managing my time, the more annoyed that I would become with it, and with myself. I would figure out how long it took to do things, and sometimes I was accurate, but most of the time, I wasn’t. And, then I would get aggravated, want to give it up all together, and then waste time wishing I could be doing something else. I felt distracted at times and not very motivated.

Last week, I tried a new approach. I decided that I needed to figure out why I had such a bad attitude about time, and find a new attitude about it. So, my new mantra is that I am HONORING my time. Not managing it. Not mastering it. But honoring it.

Time is the currency of my life, without a doubt. And, if I squander it, it’s gone. I can’t get it back. So, I wanted to get smart not only about how I am spending it, but also, how I am viewing it. If I am viewing it only as a vehicle through which to get my to do list accomplished, it doesn’t feel all that connected or spiritual to me. However, if I approach it as honor, as how do I want to really cherish the time that I am devoting to something, it takes on a new meaning.

So, I started that last weekend. Every night before I go to bed, I spend 30 minutes making my schedule for the next day. And, every night and morning, I read my time dream, about honoring and loving my time, and how I have time for everything that I want, and need to do.

The result? Well, I still have 24 hours in a day, but I sure feel more grateful for what I have in those hours, and how I am spending them.

Truly lovely.

I am so afraid to be alone.

I admit it. Even though I have adamantly denied it, and tried to press on like I was running some type of marathon, I am finally tired.

I am so afraid of being by myself.

I don’t mean afraid of my physical safety in being by myself in my home. I feel pretty physically secure here, envision escape plans in the event of fire or some other disaster, and have good security to keep intruders out.

I am talking emotionally afraid, afraid what it means to be all alone.

Since I came out almost thirty years ago, I have really defined myself, and designed my life, in the context of having an intimate relationship. I have fallen in love with, moved in with, had babies with, a few different women. And, for periods of those relationships, I was quite happy. However, there always seemed to come a point in the relationship, at different times with different people, when I stopped being happy, or at least, stopped denying that I was unhappy. It usually had to do with what the other person was, or was not doing to get me to my happy place. I understand better how selfish, short sighted and unfair that was, to not hold myself accountable in any way. And, I have been trying to clean that up with a few of the women that I have been in relationship with.

Now, much of the time, I feel pretty secure and peaceful about not currently being in a relationship. At those times, I understand that there is much work to be done for me to be ready to be real, my real self, in a relationship.

And, that is partly where the fear comes in. Who in their right mind is going to want me in all of my humanness? Anyone? What if the level of honesty, integrity and communication that I am looking for is too much for someone to handle?

What am I ever going to do without my best friend? I miss her so much. We are coparenting, and doing a pretty good job at it, and our daughter is well taken care of throughout this process. But, I miss my best friend. I miss telling her my fears, my family stories, my work issues or triumphs. And I miss hearing her stories, too.

It really just makes my heart feel so broken to realize what I have lost, what has been left behind in the midst of a broken relationship. I am so aware of the hurt of it, and I don’t like it. AT ALL.

Yet, I know that I need to stay in it, even when I don’t want to, and feel it until it has passed. And then, wake up, enjoy my day, and feel that joy, too. And, be with what feelings come along with this process.

So yes, there is some fear there, uncertainty, nervousness, and so much sadness in the changes that I have made to my life. Yet, in this moment, even in my tears, I am so grateful to FEEL, to be present to what is happening, and to understand that although the ending hurts and is a loss, it is also a new beginning for all of us, to live true lives and to be honest with ourselves.

I know that no matter what happens outside of my universe, I will be well, and taken care of, and loved.

I feel the healing.

I am working on improving so many of my life areas, and going toward the dream in those areas. However, one way in which I am incredibly sloppy is in the area of sleep. There is some truth to the story, that part my struggle with getting proper sleep is that parts of the night, I don’t sleep well. I either get up to use the bathroom, the cat wakes me up with her purring, or I awaken for other reasons which disrupts my flow of sleep. Like I said, though, this is only part of the story.

The rest of the story is that I am an absolute brat about a bedtime. I am better than I have been in the past, but I like to stay up late, and get up early. Although it is great that I enjoy both ends and beginnings of my day, if I don’t save enough time in between to rest, I am not much fun for the mornings or the nights.

I have been quite busy the last couple of weeks, more than I had been before that. However, if I am truly designing my time, and a life that is my biggest dreams realized, I need to make that design configured so that I get the rest that I need. By the time this week rolled around, I found it difficult to stay awake in the middle of the day. I don’t like that feeling and I know I need to do better.

Last night, I promised myself when I got home from work that I would be in bed, ready for sleep by 11:00. I was in bed, and was focusing on sleeping and fell asleep within minutes. I knew that I wanted to get up early as well, and when I got up at 6:30 this morning, I felt amazing. Not just because I had slept well, even with waking up to pee, mind you, but because I had kept my promise to myself, and felt better physically and mentally because of it.

I truly felt the sensation of healing this morning when I got up. The real rest helped, and it also helped to wake up, knowing that I was in integrity, that I had kept a promise, and because I had, kept many more promises during the day today that I had planned.

My life is growing, changing, and expanding, and I realize the importance of design, intention and promises on healing, and having exactly what I want in my life.

Only change brings change.

In looking at the title of this post, maybe it states the obvious. However, maybe not. As I move forward in my coaching training, and learn more about myself and others, I realize that there are many of us that do not get this logic.

The truth is, many of us believe that our lives will change for the better if the other people and circumstances in our lives change. We may really believe that we don’t need to do anything in order for our lives to become more fulfilling. And it is that way of thinking that I am addressing here.

If we are not willing to change, then our lives will not change. No matter what others do or don’t do, we won’t have anything different if we don’t do anything different.

I am learning about this more as time goes by, that I need to do the changing in order for my life to change for the better. In order to grow, I need to be the one growing, and wanting to grow. I could swirl in the expectation that others will do the changing, and growing, and believe that as a result, I will grow and change by osmosis. However, it doesn’t work that way, and as a coach, I have to fully realize and put this into practice in my own life if I am going to be great at coaching. Being a great coach is one of my dreams.

I understand more than ever that when I resist change, or want others in my life to change instead of me, my life doesn’t change or improve. And, it is a pretty self absorbed way to be, to expect that everyone around me will change, and I can just keep doing what I have always done. The kicker is, in some ways, what I have always done doesn’t work anymore, so if my life is unfulfilling in some ways, it is my job to change that.

I could complain, and feel badly, or get discouraged or even angry that my life isn’t going in the direction I want. But the real truth is that if my life is not focused on my dreams, that is my doing, my design, or my lack of a good design. So, I know that, and am willing and ready to make the changes that I need to, in order to have deeper, more meaningful relationships with others; to be living the dream life that I desire; and to feel balanced, happy and well.

It is all in my hands.