Tag Archives: embracing change

Sea of Change.

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My life has been a series of deep changes in the last few months. In the areas of my work, my play, my family, and my home, changes have been everywhere. And, for most of my life, I have made a determination in my mind and my heart of whether a change was good, or bad. Hardly ever have I encountered a change about which I felt completely neutral.

 

There are many reasons of why I feel a sense of judgment about change occurring in my world. One reason is that I believe that if things change, then what I previously believed about a relationship was an illusion or a lie; that if that person no longer speaks to me or is in my life, that maybe all along they didn’t really care about me. If the circumstances of my job change, I immediately feel like maybe this isn’t the right position for me, or I feel betrayed in some way that change has occurred. If a change happens that I label as positive, it is always because things have turned out the way that I wanted in some form. 

 

The main reason that I would ever feel upset or concerned about a change that happens in my life is simply fear:  being afraid for a new circumstance to come in. Afraid of what is going to occur next. Fear of the unknown. When I am coming from fear, it almost certainly means that I am resisting what will come whether I embrace it or not. I want things to stay the same, because in sameness, it seems like there is safety, security, familiarity.  I want my world to stay as it is in those moments.

 

However, whether I want it to occur or not, changes do come in my world, on a daily basis. I am in my little vessel on the ocean of life, floating along, and the ocean doesn’t stay constant. If you spend any time on the coast, the only thing certain about the waves and sea is that it is constantly changing. The tides, the size of the waves, and color and texture of the ocean, is always in motion. It never stops. 

 

When I live my life in the past, through memory, regret or sentimental feeling, then any new circumstance or information that comes in that challenges that feels threatening to me. When I live in the future, in anticipation of what I want to happen, or am planning in my mind, when those plans get changed, I feel threatened and unappreciated or unheard. It may all sound very dramatic, but this is what occurs when I am not living presently, and I judge what happens around me as either good, or bad. 

 

The truth is, I will always be riding the ocean of life, always navigating my way through a sea of constant change. Life is ever changing; that cannot be disputed. How those changes impact me, or don’t, is always my choice, my intent. If I live my life as fully in the present moment as possible, watching life as if it were a movie, and understanding that change occurs whether I want it to or not, then I can be neutral about change. I can embrace that life, in all of its wonder and unique manifestations, can just be something that I watch unfold, and see the opportunities for learning and growth with every change in the waves. I can choose gratitude for every experience, no matter what comes my way.

 

Change comes to each one of us. We can enjoy the ride or curse the tide. I want to secure as much joy and peace as possible while I am on this voyage, so I choose this moment, as often as I can remember. 

 

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Circle of Life.

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I have been in deep study lately, not just of perspectives on life that I read in books, but more than ever, I have been in deep internal study.  Considering who I am, what this is, and why I am here.  Whether the world really exists or it doesn’t.  Things that feel worth considering at this phase in my existence, yet, disputes much of what I have learned in the past.

 

I really believe that our lives as humans is a process of taming, or domestication, as put by Don Miguel Ruiz, from the Four Agreements.  We are born wild, with no rules or structures yet put upon us.  Our needs are simple.  Our imaginations are forming.  What we see around is us brand new, so we see it freshly and excitedly, with a sense of curiosity, awe and wonder.  

 

Then, we realize that we have a choice, a voice, an ability to exert ourselves onto the world.  We start to say no, we start to run away from that which we were contained for so long.  We run toward things that seem interesting and worth exploring.  Then, we begin to be deeply educated in rules, laws, limits and expectations.  We learn that it is okay to do this, but not okay to do that.  We learn that it is important to be serious, and plan, and follow the rules as you are told.  We learn that to play is okay for a child, but when you grow up, play is something that is a thing of the past.  We learn to keep safe and not take chances and stay within the confines that have been put upon us.

 

These world structures, mind you, have no malice in them by those that put them upon us.  The persons that make and enforce the rules only want to keep us safe, and warm, and cared for.  Then, we begin to believe, maybe for a very long time, that the only existence that there is, the true reality, is that in which the rules define.  

 

Then, we come to the later years of our lives.  Maybe we are faced with death in some way.  Maybe some life changing experience alters our perspective.  Or maybe, we just have questions about whether or not this is all that there is.  Are we really just individual beings floating around in the same universe?  Or is there some aspect of oneness that exists?  

 

My life has become like a circle:  I was born not knowing; I learned; and then I began to unlearn that which no longer suited me.  Each of us was born wild and free; became tamed and domesticated; and then, sought to become wild and free again.  Yet, we have wisdom in the later part of our lives, so we are wise, wild and free again.  That is the journey.

 

Even though this is my journey that I speak of, no matter what book or philosophy I have heard about, learned or studied, this seems to be the path of many.  To come into this world as a clean slate; fill that slate with knowing that we believe is necessary; and then, cleaning the slate and going back to where we began.  Back to the egg.  Our Source.

 

Wise, wild, and free Again.  

 

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Really learning to let go.

Letting go is a lesson that I think is lifelong for me. I believe that it is one that I will learn many more times in my life, and also, is one of the missions for me in this lifetime to pass on to others that I love. Learning to let go, to trust, and to allow others to thrive, grow and aspire.

I have struggled against this lesson, even when I have believed I was learning it, throughout my entire life.

I have always wanted to fix, or better, the people that were in my life at the time, or in my life now. I have held on for dear life to my partners, my child, my siblings, my parents and even my coworkers. I needed to let them know that they never had to worry, because even if they didn’t know what to do, they could always depend upon me to pick up the pieces, show them a better way, be there for them. Of course, I always said that, and I meant it in some ways. In other ways, I was sending a very strong message that I believed that they were stupid, incapable, or terminally dependent upon me to save the day.

What a rush!! To have so many people in my life need me so desperately. It cuts both ways, however. In one sense, it was selfish and unfeeling for me to want people to be dependent upon me in that way, so that I could feel bolstered up, needed and worthwhile. I am not tearing myself down because of that, however, I am able to recognize it as a selfish act, and to know that I don’t want to live in that way anymore.

It also has become a clear lesson in how little I have trusted over the years and in my life. If I trusted that person’s love, if I trusted that others could complete tasks capably and fully without me being involved at all, I would have been able to let go long ago. However, I have lacked faith in others, a trust that they can manage, for most of my life. And, it became its own vicious cycle: The more that I would control others, the less that I would trust them to do it on their own; the less I would trust them, the more that I would control. It stayed that way for at least my whole adult life, and maybe even before that.

I know in this day, I need to let go more and more. I need to let go and allow my ex to fly freely on her own, become independent and to do that on her terms, not mine. I need to let go of making this a smooth transition, because I can only get myself to be at peace in it. I need to let go of anything that is out of my control, and to TRUST, deeply and fully, that others can take care of themselves, too. And, that if they need my help, they will ask, that I don’t have to expect that they will.

Letting go is one of my ongoing lessons in this lifetime, to learn and to pass on. It is the contrary to my Control Freak, to my Snotty Know it All traits. It is the balance of what it is that I truly want in this life.

And, in this day, I am learning to do it, like it, and embrace it.

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