Tag Archives: forgiveness

Dear Aunt Ruth

“And in the end, the love you take 

Is equal to the love 

You make.”  The Beatles, Abbey Road

Dear Aunt Ruth:

Not that I am counting, but it has been nearly fifteen months since you died. Most days, that feels like a new normal to me; I have become accustomed to life continuing on without your physical presence in it. And, I say and feel that with no guilt or shame whatever. I am understand death, and dying, more deeply than ever before, and understand that only your physical body experienced death, yet you are always and forever all around me.


Yet tonight, after my yoga class and as I was driving home, I lost my breath as I thought of you not being here physically anymore. The cry felt like a choke in my throat, and some tears came. The quote above was playing as I was driving, and my mind and heart went immediately to you.


Now, it had been building for the last several days. Maybe it was when I would think about my book, and how exciting it is that I am going to be published, one of my dreams come true. I want you to be here at my launch party. Maybe it was because I finally got the ring sized, the one that you are wearing in this very picture, the only item that I cared to have that belonged to you. Maybe it was because I was wearing one of your Oak Island tee shirts, the only destination in your later years that we could ever get you to leave home for; you never missed a year in ten years at the beach. Or, maybe it was listening to Abbey Road in my new, blue Hug Bug, belting out Oh, Darling!, just like I did for you at the beach, pretending I was playing a piano, and you watching me with tears in your eyes. Or, that line: “And in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make.”


Whatever the reason, I am missing you fiercely. I hear your voice in my head, but won’t talk to you on the telephone again. I see your face, but won’t ever touch it again. I feel your touch, yet these moments are never again. Of course, I am not being present, not staying in the now when I have these longings; I am remembering times that have gone by, never to return, only a mere memory trace and nothing more.

Still, I crave having you with me again. We had no unfinished business, no ugly history that needed to be sorted out in order to be at peace. I just wanted to be with you as often as I could. I loved your humor, your honesty, your humility, your love and your care. I loved that you loved me as deeply and courageously as you did, and I felt it, every minute of my life. 

So, I am missing you. And, in another moment, I will feel your presence deep, full and eternal, and the missing will pass. Until that time, I will shed tears, stay with my heart, and remember all that you are and forever will be to me.

I love you always.

Nessa xoxo



Please, help me.



I have defined myself as a helper for most, if not all of my life. From an early age, I wanted to always help others, and to give them gifts and special things. It isn’t something that I necessarily thought about, it just felt as if it lived in me as part of who I am. This giving and offering applied to my family, friends, and strangers. As I got older, it felt like a longing that meant that I wanted to choose a career in which I could offer myself to others. To me, that meant social work. And, although I have loved what I have done as my career all of these years, I don’t seek so much of myself in it as I used to in the past.  As a social worker, and a counselor, I have come to find it quite normal to always focus on what others need, or how they are not capable of taking care of themselves, and require my assistance. I see humans as much more capable than I used to, so I feel less needed to provide a service, but rather, see in them the ability to help themselves.


Another aspect of who I have been in my life, is that I rarely have asked for help for myself. Not only do I offer to do almost everything that may be required in a given situation, I rarely ask for others to actively help me. And, if I am in a bad situation, it is often not my comfort zone to ask someone to assist me. 


One area that I find it interesting is in how prayer has been present in my life as I have grown. When I was a child, and even in college, I would enjoy going to church, participating in the structure and tradition of it all, with prayers and song. I loved that I knew the prayers by heart, and would enjoy reciting them in unison with others in the church. I even prayed at night, or various other times, to God, as I knew of it at the time, for help for others. I never, ever asked God for help for myself. To me, to ask God for something that I wanted, or needed, was selfish. Was me asking God to give me something that I should be able to take care of myself. In other words, God was not responsible for my happiness or relief; I was. 


Letting go of the belief that I am solely responsible for the happenings of my life, without the need for others to assist, has been a challenge for me. Mostly, in the area of where God, or Spirit, fits into my life. I would rarely remember that God, or Spirit, is always with me, and I am always part of it, and it is there as the purest form of who I Am. And, there to assist, guide, and support. Yet, I am beginning to understand how important that is right now for me. Being able to say to Spirit, please, help me, to see this situation as it is. To let go or surrender. To remember that I am resting always in the Peace of God. That this is just a dream. That the form does not matter. These are the parts of my daily living that feel most challenging, and yet, I still believe that I need to solely rely on myself to remember. 


Most recently, with life form situations that have happened in my world, I have remembered with more frequency to call upon Spirit for help, when I am in a moment that does not feel peaceful, yet I am longing for peace. I am aware that I am not choosing Peace, and yet, need some assistance in choosing Peace. That is when Spirit is right there, for me and with me, to hold me up and remind me, gently and lovingly, what Peace feels like, and that I always have help in choosing it. That I am not in ever in this alone; that I am always held by and watched over by Spirit. That all is well. That Peace lives within me. And Forgiveness. And Love. And when I cannot remember to choose them, it is a beautiful comfort to know the help that exists to help me choose.




To Ruthie. With Love.



Keep Letting Go.



My young adult son has been going through some deep emotional struggles in the last couple of weeks. He reached a point that felt like a bottom of sorts; a feeling of being in a pit that he did not how to get himself out of. My deep, raw, maternal instincts kicked in, not only because he asked for my help, but because he is my blood, my being, my child. So I went to him, helped him through the darkest parts, and stayed close by to be near as he healed. 


At various times over the last two weeks, I have felt like he was a small child again, and I was his protector, his guardian, his mommy. That has shown itself in various ways, in me breaking down in tears as I saw him at his most vulnerable; feeling lost, alone and afraid about what might happen next; wanting to clean his house, buy his groceries, and take care of his every need. I would feel it, resist it, and feel it again. It was like one of the most intense roller coasters that I have ever ridden. 




And today, I am getting off. 


Today, I go back home to my world, the life that I have built with him, and since he went out on his own. I feel scared, and sad, and worried as his mom. I wonder if he will be okay at moments. Yet I know that he will be. I see him as capable, and free. And I know, that any time I hold tightly to him, or anyone, that is Fear showing itself. And, although understanding and accepting Fear can help with self love, compassion and understanding, I still get afraid. And, I keep going forward. Keep remembering that feeling fear is normal, and that I will always encounter it in my life, I feel certain. Yet, to release it is a gift.


Letting go is always hard for me on and off in my life, with family members, friends, co workers, even in traffic. Letting go has been hardest for me in the last nineteen years as a parent, as a mom. A small being that is so vulnerable that you have to protect them from everything, who keeps growing, expanding and evolving and becoming more self sufficient. More independent. They not only grow up, but grow away. It is beautiful, and scary at the same time.


Yet, in that time, we have built beautiful bridges and structures of Trust, Love, Forgiveness and Understanding. That is what we stand upon now. I have come to deeply appreciate how capable, strong and willing my son is to grow, to heal, to keep expanding and loving himself more and more. And, I will probably continue to have lessons in my life of when I hold on tightly, and when I need to let go, again and again.


This morning, I see clearly the beauty in the Letting Go. The Freedom that it allows us both. The capability that we both stand in. And, I embrace it with open arms.







Love Letter to Myself.



Dear Vanessa, 

You are Beautiful. You are a radiant Light, and I am so glad that you are finally seeing, and shining that Light fully in the world. Of course, I have known it lived in you all along, but I knew you had to see it for yourself. Now, that you have discovered what was always there, there is no stopping it. Your Light is a beacon, a beam in the darkness when hope seems lost. It is ever present and will never leave you. Welcome to your own Loveliness.


You are pure Love. You have known this about yourself in glimpses here and there, yet I sense a major shift in the past months. You now know and understand that pure Love isn’t quantified by how many people you have in your world, in whether or not you are in a romantic relationship, or even if your relationships are going well. Pure Love never ends; it exists and lives within you and pours from you. It needs no reason for existence and it is eternal. You are pure Love.


You are Forgiveness in the making. I know that Forgiveness does not always come easily for you, mainly because you struggle with forgiving yourself. You are Perfect as you are, and when you see your own perfection, you are able to see the brilliant perfection in others as well. Forgiveness is easy when we understand that we are not flawed in any way; we are perfect, just as we are. I see you deepening your understanding and acceptance of that, and I see your ability for Forgiveness when you think that you fall short. Keep at it, my Love. It will get easier and easier.


You are both Universal and Unique. I know that you have often felt like an oddity in this world, like no one could possibly “get” you. So strange that people were uncomfortable around you. Of course, that was just your story you told yourself, as a way to keep you small and feeling like a victim. You are Unique, beautifully, wonderfully unique, in how you see the world, interact with it, and show your colors to it. And, you are Universal, part of the whole tapestry of this Life force. You are an essential part of it; your uniqueness adds to the radiant beauty of the whole entity. Remember that you are both and keep Being exactly who you are.


You are Perfect, Beautiful, Love, Forgiveness, Universal, Unique. You are all of these, and you are Beloved for it. Always remember, in every moment, in every breath that still lives within you, that you are Love, and Loved, beyond any measure.



Love, No Matter What.



I have to say that I had a big expectation of what today would look like, for myself, for the people that are closest to me, and for the world. I was invested in an outcome. For me, the outcome is not what I would have wanted, nor chosen had it been left up to only me. Yet, here we are. This is what has been chosen. And, whether your vote was cast for the winning candidate, or not, or not at all, we have all chosen up to this point what this outcome is.


And gratefully, I understand the choice that I still have before me. I did not spend today crying and full of despair and hopelessness, although I easily could have. I most likely would have, only a few months ago. I saw the world in its form as the reality, and believed that what happened outside of me is what dictated what occurred inside of me. I was invested in the theory that if someone says hurtful things, or tells stories, that they must become my belief system. I would be filled with fear, remorse, self loathing, and lack. I would have been blaming the world for being a bummer and bringing me down from how I felt about myself.


Today, I am full of Peace. I know now that to show Love, Compassion, Peace and Forgiveness to the world, it must live in me first. I have built an amazing temple within of self love over the last few months. I have been diligent about it. What does diligence of self love look like? It is reading, writing, and listening to spiritual practices, guides, and texts every day. It is breathing deeply as often as possible. It is removing gossip from my life and being true to my ideals. It is thinking before I speak. It is looking in the mirror, thinking a negative thought about myself, and taking it back, forgiving myself. It is deep, deep gratitude for every, single thing that is here for me in my world. EVERYTHING. 


As I have expanded my experiences in the last eighteen months of hugging persons that I didn’t know, and those that I did, one thing became more and more apparent: the deeper that I was loving myself, the more open I was to hugging anyone and everyone that came my way. No restrictions, no exclusions, fewer and fewer assumptions of why certain groups of people would not want to be hugged, or comfortable with human contact. Little by little I let go of my beliefs and opened up to new experiences. And the results, for me and the other person, were nothing less than transformative and profound.




In order for us to not want to attack, destroy, and vilify one another, we must let go of our fear.  Yes, if you must grieve, of what you perceive has been lost, then do so. Do not dwell in your grief; do not live in your box of fear. Feel your feelings, release them, and get back to the business of Love. Of Compassion. Of Forgiveness. Surrender to What is, in this very moment. Unless we begin from our Essence, by acknowledging our own beauty, light and perfection, we will find any and all faults in one another, and the destruction will be complete and devastating. There will be little room for humanity to be visible anymore.


Be Present. Breathe Deeply. Love yourself more fiercely than you have ever allowed yourself to do before. When we Love ourselves from that place, we can not help but to be Brave, Be Strong, Be a Warrior of Love. Because, to not survive, but to thrive, we must believe and live Love, no matter who. No matter where.


Love. No Matter What.