Tag Archives: goals

Flipping off the Universe.

I have made it pretty well known to most of the people in my life, if not all of the people in my life, how shifted and different that I feel. Cleaner. More truthful. More inspired and focused on how to go after my dreams. Living my life that I intend as if I already have it. It is truly beautiful stuff. And today, as I was contemplating during my several hours of silence (I go most of the day and evening without speaking a whole lot when my daughter isn’t here; and I mostly enjoy the silence when I have it), I had a revelation of sorts.

I thought deeply about the work that I am doing through the Handel Group, the shifts that I am making in my own world, and the lives that I will help to evolve by being a coach. And, I went so deeply that I understood a bit of the spiritual realm that is my coaching work, as a client and as a coach. This is what I realized: if I am not living my best life, being truthful with myself and with those around me, and truly going after my dreams with intention and purpose, I am basically flipping off the Universe. Or God. Or Buddha. Or whomever you give your allegiance to in the area of spirituality, if anything.

For me to look in the face of spiritual greatness, as a human being on this earth, and to not do every single thing that I am meant to do as my mission and purpose, with the gifts that I have been given to do them, is me slapping God in the face. It is saying, through my actions, or lack thereof, that I take for granted the opportunity that I have been given to make a difference and to change the world. When I came to this realization today, it hit me hard. It was one of those clunker type moments, which I seem to have more often lately, that just leaves me speechless for a period of time. I know that I chose to be here, with the parents that I chose, and to fulfill the mission that I am working on every day. However, if I go about that mission without gratitude, without understanding the deep honor and privilege it is to be me, right here and now, working my magic, then I am telling Great Spirit that I could care less about the gifts that I have been given.

I feel so humbled, in awe and inspired by all that is around me. I falter, I fail, I want to give up at times. However, on days like today, when I truly feel the impact of what I am working on here, I feel absolutely alive, full of light, and magical.

Now, that to me, is a true spiritual awakening.

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I am tired!

Today, I am tired. Not a time-change-and-have-to-adjust-to-it tired, not a life-is-wearing-me-out-tired. Not a “I can’t take it anymore” tired. Just, tired. Tired from all of the living that I am currently doing.

I am working really hard at my life right now, and I have to say, I am enjoying the toil. I am enjoying the physical exercise and diligence about what foods I eat. I am enjoying the arrangements for my new place to live and securing the details. I am enjoying the time that I am spending with our daughter. I am even enjoying the conversations, conflicts and resolutions that I are ongoing with my ex and myself. Those conversations are deep, difficult and necessary. And, I am learning about her, and myself as we keep going through them.

Keep moving forward, as my friend, Susan, told me last week. Keep moving forward.

So, that is what I am doing. I am planning, grieving, celebrating, dancing, resting, eating, and embracing. I am excited, nervous, scared, sad, and relieved. I know that my life is taking some terrific turns, and in this moment, I truly believe that I deserve them all. I know that I am living true to myself, and being truthful to others more than ever before in my whole life. That really feels amazing, to feel confident in what I am doing and who I am, even when confronted with what others think of me that is totally contrary to that.

I am confident and secure in who I am and where I am going. And, because I have planned, lived, and dreamed fully and passionately today, I am tired.

Good night.

Truth and consequences

Boy, am I learning about these two areas: truth, and consequences. From various angles and perspectives. The lessons that I am learning in relation to these two areas is different than I have ever encountered in my life. It is helping me to gain wisdom, understanding for others, and more compassion and less judgment.

Truth? First off, I am learning how important it is to tell the truth, at all times. Now, I know that when I have stated this before on my blog, it has struck a chord with some of my readers, who state that telling the truth is not always appropriate, fair or compassionate. I can only speak to my own life experience, and what I know is that always speaking the truth in my life today is necessary and loving. In the past, I have not told the truth to many in my life. The most common reason that I would site is that I was only thinking of them, or looking out for them by not telling the truth, or the whole story. Now, I know that withholding that information, that truth from others, is more painful than telling the truth. When I don’t tell the truth about who I am or what I believe, I am living a lie by portraying myself as someone that I am not. I want to be my true self.

Consequences? Well, there have been good ones, and bad ones in my life for my actions. In the past, there have been consequences for not telling the truth for being my true self. I worried about my alcoholism for years before I acted on it, and kept that secret from most of those in my life. I never said that I wasn’t satisfied or that I was unhappy in my relationships. I kept many things from my parents about my hopes, fears and dreams. I wasn’t myself, and I lost time with those that I love while being truly authentic.

Today, the positive consequences for me for telling my truth is closer relationships with friends, and with my parents and siblings; a more open and communicative relationship with my daughter; a life of sobriety that I feel happy, healthy and proud about; a list of dreams that I put forth with intention to achieve; and a body that is strong, healthy and sexy. I still have negative consequences at times, self imposed ones when I don’t keep a promise to myself. Yet I see those coming, because they are always directly connected to any time that I not in integrity, and I am getting better at catching them fast.

For me, speaking, living and standing in the truth is really the only way to live. It is challenging at times, and I am getting better at it the more that I do it. Yet I know that the only way that I can live a full, joyful life is to go forward in this way.

I want to quit.

On days like today, I just want to quit. Give up. Stop trying and just go back to being. As unhappy as I was at times, at least I knew what to expect. I knew my routine.

I am on the road to being the happiest I have ever been in my life. The healthiest, the most honest, the most truthful of my life. Yet, today, I want to quit. I want to go back to being the person who was only half truthful, if that. The person who could have a couple of glasses of wine to forget it all. The person who would blow up when confronted with something difficult.

Not really. I don’t really want to go back to that. But, in some ways, it was easier.

Easier because I didn’t have to focus, on a full time basis, on what I really wanted out of life. I could hanker for it here and there, but didn’t have to take any time to focus on it. I would just whine about not having it. Or silently suffer because I was too busy being a martyr.

Easier? No, probably not at all. Living my life that way wasn’t any easier. It was more complicated, because I would be saying one thing, doing something else, and sometimes, thinking something else even. It was more anxiety producing, more confusing and confounding.

So, only in the moments of sadness, despair, and most intense fear, do I really want to quit. Forget about coaching, forget about my dreams. Just go back to “normal”.

What is “normal”? Ignoring my dreams and acting like everything was fine all the time, that used to be my normal. Now, my normal is writing every day, making plans, truly seeing myself fulfilling every dream that I have on my list, in all areas of my life.

Welcome to my new normal. Ain’t it grand?

Passion and desire

Passion and desire had always been two words that I had not used very often in my life. To be quite honest, I never used either one of them unless I was referring to something sexual. And, since I never wanted to speak about such things to anyone, I hardly ever uttered the words.

Over the last year of my life, I have been transforming many areas. One way in which I have been transforming is in how I look at that which I want in my life. How I looked upon my dreams. I had forgotten about dreaming, you see. I had forgotten that I even had dreams, and spent most of my time convincing myself that every different task and avenue that I was taking, was a stepping stone on the way to my dream. Frankly, even though I enjoyed some of the activities, I also felt like they were distractions from what I really wanted to be doing.

Writing, for instance. I have always loved to write, yet wandered away from it for years, aside from the occasional journal entry. Then, about three years ago, a friend got me writing again. On this blog. I haven’t been the same since. Writing is a passion, an intense desire to put into words that which lives in my heart, soul, and mind. I feel whole, alive and pure when I am writing, like very few other activities do for me in this life. I am passionate about it.

I haven’t felt passionate about much of anything in my recent history. I sorely needed to become acquainted with passion and desire, in order to get awakened to that which I called my life.

My life is so full, yet it has been full up until recently with activities that seemed like they would take me to the next step, another level on the long way to my dreams. It always seemed like such hard work, and often times, I didn’t want to do it. I had very little energy to put into it, and could never seem to figure out why I didn’t get more excited about it.

Passionate about it.

Now, today in my life, I am actively working toward dreams in all areas of my life. I am having those hard conversations, with grace and love. I am picking up the phone and calling those that I love, and not just waiting for when I have a free half hour to talk. I am telling the truth and living a healthier life, and feeling amazing about it.

Passion and desire are becoming quite well known to me in my life today. I have full passion, and full desire, for all the dreams that I intend on realizing.

Sweet.