Designing my Life.

I have been involved with the Handel Group officially, after just checking them out from a distance, for about two years now. In that time, I have learned a great deal about our methodology, and how we help ourselves, and others, create brilliant lives. I have seen the magic work for myself, and for many people around me. And, I believe in it fully.

Yet, I really didn’t get how specifically I actually design my own life, for the great, and the not so great.

I mean, I accepted the concept that we design our own lives; that we create what it is that we want, and also, what we say that we don’t want. We are the ones calling the shots in our life situations. The part that I totally didn’t want to accept how I was designing my life, my life that in many ways was a chaotic mess. And, it didn’t just become that way; I made it that way.

It really took a wake up call, from myself, to me, and others around me that love me immensely, to let me know that I really have to own what and where I need to change in my life, in order for my life to change. Like, if I want to do it, I just have to DO it.

How often have I sat back as an observer to my life, watching how things played out, and pretending like I didn’t have to own any accountability in the outcome? Easy, right? Then I don’t have to take responsibility when things go terribly wrong, but I loved taking it when it went in a way that I loved.

Today, I am embracing all of it, the big, fat mistakes that I make almost daily, and the rich rewards from living a life that is more transparent, honest, and free. It is so much easier to have faith and trust in the days ahead, when I know that I am designing them so much more beautifully, and intentionally, than I ever have before.

The path ahead of me will continue to have storms to weather and rocky times, yet I know that I can design the lessons and the outcomes to be beautiful and mine to own.

Just ask!

I have, for most of my life, refused to ask questions of others about much of anything. Whether it was asking someone for directions before or during travel; how to do an aspect of a new job; or the best product to buy, I almost always tried to figure it out on my own.

Now, this hasn’t been because I didn’t want to bother other people, which I told myself for awhile. It wasn’t even because I didn’t want to look stupid or foolish, it was even a bigger reason than this. It was because I wanted to be the one who was right, who knew best.

It was all about arrogance.

Arrogance has been one of the most difficult traits for me to take down, and I am learning that more and more as I continue my training as a Coach in Training through The Handel Group. I have masked this trait by hiding behind being scared, or not wanting to bother others, but it really is about being right, knowing the answers, not wanting to be accountable to anyone else. Dark, hmmm?

The great part is, I can love that dark stuff now, and when I am willing to love that part of myself, I can admit it and come clean about it more often, because it is human, it is normal, and it frees me from living a lie.

So, I put this in place in my daily life, by keeping track of any arrogant thoughts or actions that I catch in myself, and, in asking as many questions of others as possible. It still hangs around, believe me. There are still times when I assume that I know what is happening, when there is no way that I should know about it. So, I clean it up with the other person, and learn the lesson even more deeply.

The more aware I am of my own thoughts and behaviors, means the more present that I am to my life. It also means that I can take accountability for my actions, rather than putting it on someone else, and really open up my relationships with others in the process.

Life is great, and I am learning to love not knowing so much!

Tracking my thoughts.

For the last two months, I have been keeping track of my daily thoughts that are arrogant or fake, and any arrogant or fake actions. I have also been keeping track of any lies that I told. The purpose of this, through my work with my coaches at the Handel Group, is to get really present to my thoughts, and my traits, that most stand in the way of what it is that I want in my life. The results have been fascinating and profound.

Let me be clear: I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to be held accountable to my traits, which meant, I wanted to keep them close and not let go of them. And, as long as I was swimming in my arrogance without asking for help, and swirling in my faker trait, and pretending I was okay when I wasn’t, life was not going to improve. Truly, my life won’t get any better if I insist on holding onto traits that don’t help me to go toward my dreams. If I am acting all knowing, and not asking questions, I won’t learn, AND bigger than that, I won’t connect with those around me in an authentic way. When I say I am fine, when I am really in pain, or confused, then I don’t allow others to help me, or to let me know me in my true form.

I have spent much of my life afraid, afraid to move, to speak, to truly be myself. That is what tracking these daily thoughts has brought to me; an awareness of how often each day I think these thoughts, and also, how much of my life and my steps, or lack thereof, have been guided by being afraid of something that might happen. I try to write the ending before I even try. Today, I am proud to say that my thought tracking has very few entries on it each day, as I am thinking the thoughts less often.

The other part is that I write down daily where I am strong, and capable, and speak up in truth. It is fascinating to me how often I have not viewed myself as a strong person, and now, I am embracing that. No matter what, my self is what needs to shine, grow and be available to those around me, in order to fulfill my mission of what I am here to do.

Building Faith and Trust.

I have been working really hard the last few weeks, to become much more present to and aware of some of my most challenging traits.  These traits are the ones which are the most sneaky, the most evasive, yet do the most damage to myself, and to my relationships with those around me.  The work that I have been doing since early last month is getting me much more acquainted with why I do what I do.  Let me explain.

 

I have always considered myself to be a good person.  I still do, no worries.  Yet, I always have had thoughts that I wasn’t willing to share with others.  So, there are two main ways that they would come out, sideways if you will.  If I was saying to someone, “I am fine”, when actually, I was hurting in some way, I was actually lying to that person, and being fake about what was really going on with me.  I have done this for more of my life than many who know me may realize.  Besides the fact that it hurt me to keep all of that pain and difficulty to myself, it was a way to keep myself from being authentic with those around me.

 

The other thoughts that I didn’t share with others was when I was worried, frightened, or concerned about something going on.  The thought that I would have would be arrogance, that if that other person would only do, say, or think the way that I did, they would be happier.  Now, this ending you might be able to predict:  since we all need to make our own decisions in life, it was more often than not that those around me wouldn’t do what I wanted them to, so that always gave my mind room for thoughts of judgment toward another.  When they didn’t do as I believed was best for them, my brain left lots of room to judge them for the outcome.

 

Now, I am blessed and fortunate to have so many people around me, who love and care about me.  And, I haven’t lost people in my life as I go through this process of transition.  However, it presents a new, amazing opportunity to get real with people, about what is going on with me, and to keep loving them, right where they are at, at the same time.  Just think:  if I can embrace my own humanness, frailty and vulnerability, imagine how easily I can embrace it in others.

 

I am on a path of awareness and understanding, and with the added, increasing benefit of faith and trust, that I will be cared for through it all, I can hardly wait to see what comes next. 

There is no such thing as luck!

I have had many profound shifts in thinking and feeling over the last two years. It has been powerful and loving work, and as a result of my work, I am enjoying deeper and more connected relationships with others; I am getting more brave to try new things; and I am realizing some dreams that I had long ago put upon the shelf. I feel blessed and happy, getting happier every day.

There has been many times in my life that I would have chalked these brilliant shifts up to being lucky, fortunate, falling under a lucky star. I believed for a long time that the good fortune, or heartache, came from outside of me and that I had no hand in the design. I mean, I would acknowledge that I had done some practical things to be successful, like apply for the new job, go back to school, or read about something. But, when true beauty would land in my life, I often found myself being thankful for my good fortune.

So, in turn, I would often come in contact with people that would believe that that they lived unfortunate lives; that nothing good came their way; that they were powerless to the karma or Universe and never got a break. It really got me thinking.

What feels so much deeper, more beautiful and exciting, is that I am truly designing all aspects of my brilliant life. I designed conversations to clean up situations that I have not handled gracefully in my life. I designed being tired from not going to bed early enough, or running out of time. I designed my recent, amazing relationship with money and paying down my debt. I designed a teaching gig that is a topic that I have wanted to teach at the college level for 13 years.

No luck anywhere to be found.

It could be really easy to believe that is all due to luck, and the charms that I wear on my neck or the wishes that I make as I blow on a dandelion. However, I want to be powerful; I want to be in charge of the brilliant design that is my result. So, that means, luck can’t be part of that. It is all my work, my play, my dreams.

So now, instead of looking for that four leaf clover to carry with me, I think I will just lie in the field of it. Amazing!