Tag Archives: presence

The Truth of Now.

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I MISS HUGS. It’s true. I understand social distancing. I cover my nose and mouth when I go out in public. I am working exclusively from home. I have not travelled in two months or more. I canceled my True Vision 2020 Hug Bug Tour. And, I have not hugged anyone, but my wife and my cats, for weeks.  It hurts deeply.

 

Fearing but Craving Connection

 

I understand, appreciate, respect and honor the concerns and the uncertainty. And, at first, when all of this started to impact my life circumstance, I didn’t cancel any plans. I believed that in a few weeks, life as I know it would return to its usual routine, its “normal” if you will. I wasn’t sure what the truth was; I’m still not sure what the truth about the virus itself is. But I am playing by the rules, and I don’t want to get sick, or be responsible for others getting sick, either. I want to do my part.

 

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Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started to get depressed. I started to wonder, what will happen to hugs in our world? To touch? I believe in hugs and touch more than anything, as being a source of connection, healing, and Universal Oneness. I felt scared that it may be possible that human beings will avoid touching one another. That out of fear of death, which is a completely natural phenomenon as a human, we will disconnect from one another in ways that we may not have ever imagined. I believe that those fears and worries about the future created hopelessness in me more than I have felt in these few weeks of strangeness.

 

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However, this week for me, the sun came out again. Not because the projections are any more favorable about touch. Not because there is an imminent time that distancing will be lifted and that I will be free to resume life as I have known it. But because I remembered, thank goodness, what the Real Truth is for me. The only Truth, to be honest. And, that is the Truth of Now. Now, it is all there Is. It is the only Truth. The past is a memory trace; the future has not even happened yet. So whether it is hope for a better future, or despair at a projected one, I only cause suffering for myself when I dwell there, or reflect on times that have gone by that no longer exist. Being Here Now is my only saving grace, my only respite from the weariness of what is the current form of Life.

 

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So, I breathe. I come back to Now, again and again and again. When I feel bored, scared, overwhelmed, angry, or hopeless. It is the path that will always lead me back to myself. Back to Peace and Love and Universality.

And, I plan to meet you all in that space again one day.

 

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Following my Bliss.

Everyone now and again, I feel like I lose my way. I forget that I know how to be still, and present, and that there is no urgency in what I do. I get lost in my thoughts and my mind becomes like a runaway train, and I follow it wherever it goes. It is maddening, and it is like an endless pit; there is always more to worry about, focus on and get almost obsessed with. In the midst of it, I don’t see the bigger picture, so even though I am not lost, I feel like I am.


I think the most destructive result of these times, is that I immediately, almost as a reflex, condemn and attack myself. I feel inadequate, incapable and small. I feel like a failure, like I can’t possibly manage the task at hand, or any task for that matter. In the midst of my overwhelm, I shut down and feel like I can’t do anything, and most certainly can’t do it right.


Even though these times, albeit rare, are difficult when I am in them, because of the pain that they seem to elicit, they bring me such great lessons. Just last week, I had a bout of this self doubt, and my wife gently and firmly pointed out to me the misguided way in which I was viewing the situation, and myself. She reminded me that if I was doing something that did not bring me joy, that was not my bliss, fully and completely, then why bother doing it? I mean, I know that we are all called upon to do things in our life that we need to do, even if they aren’t all that fulfilling. But, if we are doing something that is supposed to be fun, supposed to feed our soul and it doesn’t, why are we?


It was just the wake up nudge that I needed, in the situation that I put myself, but also, as an ongoing reminder of how I have been and need to continue to guide my participation in life. My well being, my balance, my peace and presence is far to precious and essential for me to throw away. And, bliss always lives there as well. No matter what task or activity I am involved in, I know that bliss is present if it feels light, fun, and free. If I see myself as perfect, just as I am, without condemnation or demand. Even the most mundane job can feel delightful if I remember to bring my full, unapologetic authentic self to the table.


So, I changed my view. The situation did not change. I did not give up the tasks at hand. I just reminded myself of my true nature. Of what is most important to me. And, what I am not willing to sacrifice, for anything. 


My Bliss, my authentic Self, my Being, my Presence and Peace; that will ALWAYS come first. 


Whatever you do, or don’t, be Gentle.

Over the many years of my life, I have lived between the extremes, much of the time, of excess or deprivation. Whether in relation to food, alcohol, drugs, work, money, or relationships, I found myself with either too much, or not enough, of a good thing. In the context of those extremes, I would transmit to myself a few different messages.
Why not?

You deserve this.

You shouldn’t have done that.

You have got to get it together.

You can’t trust yourself to be moderate.

Fuck it.

You should look like (fill in the blank).

You only live once.

Living this way will be bad for you.

 

Any of those messages sound like ones you have said to yourself? Or had said to you or about you?

The words, as they sound to me now as I type them, weren’t the worst of it.  It was the intention behind the message, that somehow I was not good enough.  Or,  if I did, said or created something different for myself, I would be more worthy, would be of more value in the world. A sick, dysfunctional game that I would play with myself. Either feeling entitled or needing to be punished in some way.

And, even though the words can sound intense and maybe even overdramatic, it felt like make or break it back then, or that so much was riding or whether or not I followed that diet or had that third glass of wine, that my very self would either be enhanced or evaporated. SO diabolical, yet seeming to have so much power and influence over what I would do or say to myself.

Gratefully, and with a humble heart, I have taught myself a much different lesson at this point in my life. Oh yes, I still say fuck it. But now, I say that to any extremes; to living in the edges rather than filling in my life from a more balanced perspective. I don’t have to deprive myself, nor do I need to indulge every impulse that I feel. I get to tune in, be Present, and then decide what feels really good. Not good in the “I gotta do this now before I even take a breath”, but from a deeper, more solid and authentic place. So that, even if I have that third glass of wine, or eat dessert three nights in a row, or spend the whole evening on Facebook, I am conscious about it rather than being asleep at the wheel of my life.

What comes to me with my Presence is Peace; and the beautiful, brilliant after effect of that is gentleness. Being loving, and kind, and present with any decision I make, allows me to make it from a place of serenity rather than desperation; and allows for me to feel one with the decision, rather than doubting myself or condemning myself. I can choose to do, or not do, and live with myself no matter what I decide.

Traveling this road will not be perfect; and I am sure that I will forget what balance feels like. Yet, I know in my soul that I will forget less, and for shorter periods of time, and that I know not only what feels the best. 

I know what it is that I most deserve.

 

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Haunted.

 

I don’t tend to live in the past, but I certainly feel influenced by it at times. Things that have happened to me or those that I love; events that were significant; losses through death or estrangement. It seems that a sting still lives in me around past circumstances that stirred up deep feelings of fear and loss in me.

 

When I was younger, I would acknowledge a loss, such as the death of a loved one, by honoring the anniversary, the year mark of the event itself. By observing it, it seemed to acknowledge the pain of the loss in a way that would bring me comfort, and some form of peace. I don’t recognize anniversaries in any formalized way anymore, but it feels like when a certain time of year comes around, I am taken back to a period of my life that was especially painful and difficult.

 

Three years ago, at this time, it seemed like many aspects of my life were crashing in on me. Relationships with members of my family were deeply strained; my son was in big emotional trouble; and two people that were very important persons in my life, died. I felt like I was in a tornado of emotions, and reeling from all of the chaos and sadness that I seemed to be experiencing. To this day, parts of that time still seem to haunt me, to feel sharp and real and like they just happened yesterday.

 

Then, I gratefully recall all that I was learning then, and have been learning in a more deep way since that time. I remember that the past, and any recollection that I have of it, is simply a memory trace. It does not exist, just as the future does not exist. So, for me to ruminate on events that are long past gone, or worry about how things will unfold at some future time, is futile. In addition to that, doing so does nothing for my Peace within. There is no rest for my soul when I keep reminding myself of things that have already occurred and cannot be undone. 

 

So, I remember compassion. I remember gentleness and love. I remember that to recall is only human; but to tell the story over and over again, in a way to condemn myself or others, or to act out a drama that I can suffer all over again, makes no sense, and is unkind. I remember to remember, without telling the story to myself. I remember to breathe. I remember that as real as it may feel now, it has already happened and is gone. It is as it is. 

 

I get to find my Peace, again and again. 

 

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What Do I Know?

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When I was a little girl, I wanted to grow up and be a social worker. Why? Because I saw the world as broken, and hurting, and I saw myself as the superhero who was going to fix it. To solve every problem, heal every wound. To change the world. To this day, it has created a belief within me that sees myself as the one with the right answers, and the one that is essential for a problem to be solved.

 

Additionally, by seeing the world as broken, and needing me to fix it, I have also developed the belief that had a certain talent with people, that I could tell if something was bothering someone, and even more than that, WHAT was bothering them. Sometimes, I would call that “gift” in myself being intuitive, or being empathic. And, I do know that those skills live within me, and I do sense things when I really trust myself. But, how I have most often crafted the stories of the problems of others that I weave into my mind, is by simply believing that I know what is going on with them. By the evidence that they show in their body language, the words that they use, or don’t, or emotions that they express. For most of my life, I have been thinking that I know, for certain, what is happening with them.

 

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And, to be fair to myself, sometimes, I have been right.  And, even though I appreciate being tuned into what others are going through, what I have enjoyed about being right is a way to pat myself on the back, to show my own arrogance of thinking how well that I know what the world needs, and how I am certainly the one that can fix it for them.  As I type the words, they sound ugly, and harsh. But, there is ugliness and harshness there, because all of those aspects live in me.  The arrogance, the self centeredness, the bold assuredness of being right, the feeling justified in taking a position or a side.  And, those aspects that are more difficult to look at sometimes live in all of us.

 

The deepest truth that I now understand, is that no matter what evidence I believe that I see to prove myself correct about someone, is that I can never, ever know what is going on with someone else. Even if they tell me. And, this includes myself as well. Although all of our thoughts can carry loaded stories along with them, and are always attached to some belief system we possess, we don’t even have to believe our own thoughts about ourselves. We don’t write the story for someone else, except in our heads. We embellish the stories in our heads with details that we feel certain are right, and then, have an ongoing battle within us based on our assumptions.
We can only ever know best what is going on with ourselves. That takes enough cleaning and clearing, for sure. I never have to take anyone else personally, and if I make assumptions, I am mostly likely going to be wrong, and I will be telling a story that does not include the other person, and only lives in my head. It is destructive and not loving.

 

I feel like coming to this realization again, in a really deep, profound way, is going to light the way for me to move forward with others, and circumstances, with Love, Light and Presence.

 

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