Tag Archives: relationships

My Humanness.

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I went out last night with my wife, first for dinner, and then out to listen to some music. I always look forward to our evenings out together,  because we are spending some time as a couple; because I like visiting some of our favorite local businesses, and because I enjoy seeing people that I know. At those times, I feel social and available to others around me, and my environment. It feels freeing and peaceful, and I am present with how in touch with my own self and feel good about it.

 

We began the evening with dinner at our favorite restaurant in the city. We don’t go out to eat very often, but we enjoy this restaurant no matter what our other choices are. The food, atmosphere, and heart in the business draw us there, and it is warm, welcoming and delicious. I always see people that I know, including the owners, and even strangers feel known to me. I feel at home.

 

When we got to the second venue, to see some friends of ours who recently formed a new band perform, I knew right away that it felt different than where we had just been. Something inside of me didn’t feel like myself anymore. I felt like I didn’t want to be seen; that I was too old, not cool enough. And that even if there were people there that were familiar to me, I didn’t care to have them converse with me, ask about me. I wanted to go into a corner of the room, drink my drink and just listen to the music.  

 

Now keep in mind that for two years now, I stand on the street and give hugs to complete strangers to me. And it feels connected, true and warm when I am hugging those people. Like I am connecting with them on a level beyond words, beyond form. It feels deep and true, both what I offer and what I receive. So, to feel uncomfortable in a room with many people, some of whom I knew or could get to know, I felt closed, not connected at all. 

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This morning, when I was sitting quietly, I found the space in me that feels like an open wound. A wound that has been around for years, some years more intensely than others, and is my own tendency toward self loathing and attack. That not wanting to be with other people in an open way, had nothing to do with them, but myself. It feels raw and vulnerable to see the ways in which I want to attack myself for not being enough. When I start to feel really good and sure of myself, Ego is never far away, reminding me of the voice that exists that is self deprecating and attacking. It is always there, wanting to undermine me in some way, undermine who I know myself to really be. 

 

With deep gratitude this morning, I say a hearty Thank You for the awareness that catches this in myself. And remembers what the real truth is. The truth is that I am complex and made up of many parts and aspects, in my human form. I have been domesticated in many ways in my life, about many things, and only now in my life do I have the eyes to understand that none of what I was taught is true. That the truth is that I am perfect; I am Light; and to Love myself is blessed. And that I am a part of All and can embrace that fully, but only by honoring and loving myself deeply first.

 

It can be daunting some days to love myself. Yet, I will continue to remind myself every day of how beautiful that is, and how opening myself fully shines my Light more brightly into the world. It reminds me that I am not alone, ever.

Fearing but Craving Connection

 

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Taking Others Personally.

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Every couple of months or so, I contemplate de activating my Facebook account.  After spending a good amount of time paying attention to the various kinds of posts there, it feels like it would be self loving to take a break. Just tune out, and tune in to myself instead for a few days, weeks, whatever feels good to me.

 

However, the stuff that seems to impact me the most is not the political, commercial, provocative posts that I see there; I seem pretty immune to them these days, feeling secure in my own positions and opinions, and allowing others to have their own. What seems to impact me the most, as I do the one fingered scroll through on my Iphone, is friends on there.  I see pictures of friends, having fun times with other friends, attending or hosting parties, traveling, and I feel a pang of disappointment.  A feeling of being left out.  I feel like when it comes to friends, I don’t matter to many.

 

Please, read on before you feel sorry for me; this is not to elicit sympathy for myself.  It is a tremendous learning ground for me, and I am grateful.  But at first glance, when I see friends of mine having fun with others, I don’t just think that I am happy for them that they are happy.  I feel left out, left behind.  I don’t take it out on them; I take it out on ME.  What is wrong with ME?  Aren’t I fun enough?  Inspiring enough? Why don’t they call me to go out, to have tea, to come over for a movie?  Why not ME???? I take the entire “exchange” personally.  And, that is the kicker for me; there is no exchange; there is no rejection.  It just is what is.

 

I have been reading the Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz for a couple of years now, over and over again, and one of those agreements is to not take ANYTHING personally. Now, I have put it into action quite successfully and gratefully in my world over and over again, in relationship to my work; my family; and various friends. But then, I always get another opportunity to try the lesson on for size again, just to seal the deal. So, this is another time for that.  

 

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I certainly do not feel one bit peaceful when I take others personally.  I feel frustrated, confused, rejected, sad, and angry. I feel like I am not enough in some way, shape or form. I feel like I want to be seen and acknowledged and it just isn’t happening in the way that I would like. I take an image from a social media outlet and think that means I know all that there is to a story. Because that is all it ever is, really.  Just a story.  Just a story that I tell myself and then come to believe as the truth.  

 

The thing is, I always get to decide how I want to believe things to be.  And, the lessons that I get to learn in all of this, are vital and substantial for my expansion and evolution. I am learning deeply about letting go; letting things and people be just as they are. When I do that, I accept more and judge less. Another lesson that I get to learn is that NOTHING in this world, not one thing, that is going on with another person, ever has anything to do with me.  Even when it does, it doesn’t. This one of the four agreements is the one that I struggle with the most, yet gives me the most peace within when I ascribe to it.

 

And ultimately, that is the real win for me, is to come back to a place of Peace, always and as often as possible.  When I am feeling peaceful, I am amazed that I could ever want to choose something other than Peace. Yet I do, day after day after day.  And, then, gratefully, I get to remember, day after day after day, that Peace is the choice that I prefer, and it is always available to me.  That I can pick it up, and hold it closely, as often and consistently as I desire.  That I am beautiful, bright, of value and worth.  That I am full of Love, Light, and Purpose. That all those that are meant to come in and out of my world are nothing short of blessings, and that I get to honor them as such, without putting limits, rules and expectations upon them.  I get to let them be their beautiful selves, and celebrate the Self that I am in every moment.

 

I am forever grateful to be able to keep growing, learning, and Being in the brightest, most brilliant way that I can imagine to Be.

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The Beauty of Death.

The autumn is in its full splendor in my corner of the world. Golds, browns, orange and red hues are everywhere, and are almost magical to me in their beauty. I am in awe and I love driving and walking through the changing trees. What I find most profound about this process of change, is that the vitality and brilliance that is fall colors is an indication of the end of life, an indication of death.

As I age, I think more frequently about the death of all things. Not just the eventual death of my physical body, or of those that I love. But, the death of all things, whether that is fellow living beings, the ways in which we live our lives, or ideas. In the past, the death or ending of anything was very frightening for me to consider. An ending to me meant that something was lost, gone, or no longer in my world in some way.

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Today, the death of a person, or a way of living feels much different to me. It feels more natural and part of the cycle of birth, death and rebirth. It feels like I have come to an acceptance of the true nature of things. It also has come about as I deepen my appreciation for and the presence to the circumstances that are my life. For much of my life, I have been what I would describe as a happy person, but have approached it almost as a routine- the same day most every day. I wanted to believe that life could be relied upon to unfold with certainty and predictability. I wasn’t very spontaneous and didn’t much like surprises. I also lived in the future much of the time, making plans and expressing ideas for what I wanted to come next.

I am acutely aware now, that all we ever have is this moment.  Right now.  Life only happens now, not at any other time. As I connect more deeply each day to my essence, the core of who I really am, I shine the Light of that essence more brightly out into the world. I understand also that Light to be Infinity and Eternity.  I know that all that is, is as it should be, and since all of us are from the same Source, the same Light, we are and always will be part of and with one another.  There is no death or loss in that way. I believe that the further along as humans we are to the end of our physical form, the closer that we feel that death is, and yet, the more brightly our true essence, our Light, is able to shine through.

Just like the autumn leaves show their brilliance as their physical form is dying, so to can we as humans, shine our Light more brightly, radiate our true essence, no matter how many breaths there are left within us. Connecting with that infinite, eternal essence is simply remembering who we really are.

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Looking Up.

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The autumn is settling in here in our home in Northeastern Pennsylvania.  There is a chill in the air that lingers past noon; and then the warmth of the sun penetrates the cold and fills me up.  I love being outdoors much of the time, but Fall is one of my favorite times.  An extra layer, a hat, and feeling cozy.  I really enjoy and appreciate the change of the season.

 

I have been appreciating a lot of change in my life lately.  As a writer, and as a lover of other people’s writing, I would often, in the past, want my writing to primarily be relatable to others, and so would be what I would write.  I would also relate closely to what others would writer, so when I read other writers’ blogs, I would tend to follow the ones that spoke to me in some direct way, either through their experiences, or feelings about those experiences.  Reminding me of something in my own life, perhaps. 

 

Yet lately, I have been sensing a change, a change in perspective, over the last couple of weeks in particular.  As I have been appreciating and embracing my own, unique writer’s voice more deeply, I have had a more genuine appreciation for all of the unique writers’ voices that I have been reading.  I have expanded my willingness to see life from a variety of perspectives.  This has opened up to me to the realization, thank goodness, of every person’s story being of worth and purpose.  It has reminded me that it is always refreshing, and fun, to see things from a new perspective.  

 

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I’ve been so afraid of that in my life at times, to see a different point of view.  I mean, if I look at the world in a different way than I have before, won’t something go wrong?  Doesn’t that dismiss anything that I have believed before?  I understand now that the answers to my fearful questions is no, and that I am ready to appreciate, and celebrate, all of the unique manifestations of our Universal selves, in all their varied forms.  And, looking at something from a different perspective isn’t a dismissal of what I already know, nor does it threaten it in any way.  It is just different, plain and simple.

 

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I headed out with my camera yesterday, my other, brilliant instrument of expression, and instead of viewing my world only horizontally, I looked up.  What a brilliant, amazing new perspective!  And, what beauty was waiting there for me.  I only ever need to look at the world, just a bit differently, just change my view ever so slightly, to see the awe and wonder that lives there.  It is astounding.

 

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To Be a Writer.

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A couple of weeks ago, I decided after much consideration that I would sign up for and take a seven week writers course.  The course is being offered through The Shift Network, which offers amazing on line programs related to self discovery and improvement, as well as connection to others in the world.  The writing course is being led by an author who I have enjoyed in the past, SARK, whose creativity and words I have admired. It is being co led by Scott Mills, whose energy is also dynamic and soft.  I have already had my first session, with many other persons from literally, around the world, and I think I will be in for a treat as it goes forward.

 

It took much consideration for me to take the course, for many of the reasons that create blockages in my writing.  First of all, I worried that I was not a good enough writer, that there would be so many other great writers on the call, including the facilitators, that I would feel inadequate and self conscious at what I would bring to the table.  Also, I often diminish the type of writing that I do as not being “real” writing; I write a blog, I write about life, emotions, and human experience.  “Real” writers write novels, biographies, and the like.  The last reason that I almost said no to the course was because of the money.  Although it is really affordable, especially for whom is leading it, and all of the benefits I will receive from it, I saw that as an obstacle, that didn’t really exist.  However, I plowed through all of that, and said a powerful, YES.

 

The biggest reason that I hesitated in taking the course, and the biggest reason why I said I MUST take the course, is that I have often not described myself as a writer.  I would say to people that I enjoy writing, like a hobby that I find time for here and there.  To say that I am a writer seems like a lie.  I don’t write on a full time basis; I don’t get paid for my writing; I haven’t published any books yet (although I have been published in a chapter book in the past); I don’t make time always for my writing by being on a schedule with it.  All of these excuses I use to not call myself what I actually am.  And, not calling myself a writer is the least of it; I don’t SEE myself as a writer when I am having these thoughts of diminishment and self deprecation.

 

The real, loving truth is, is that I AM a writer.  I AM a person who puts to paper, or to computer screen, ideas and things that scare me, excite me, and help me.  I talk about love, grief, compassion, judgment and fear.  I tell stories of things that I have experienced in my life, and the experiences of others that I have known in my world.  And, I AM a writer, who wants to keep writing, keep growing, keep projecting my words and my thoughts out into the world, for healing, for connection, for love and for Life.  

 

The kicker is, all of the other persons that I have met through this workshop so far, including our facilitators, all have the same fears; of not being enough; of not making enough time for our writing; of others being better than ourselves. Yet, we each have our own, unique version of how we see the world, and that makes whatever we have to say valuable and worthy of the page.  There is so much comfort, connection and love in that.

 

As a true writer and lover of words, I can’t wait to see how this story unfolds.

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