Tag Archives: saying no

Moving Target.

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During various periods of my life and development, I have felt like a victim.  As a small child, when I was overweight and getting teased a lot at school, I felt like I was victimized.  When I came out to people and they didn’t accept, I felt like I was being judged and felt wounded by that.  As I got older, when things with a partner didn’t feel right, I rarely took much responsibility for the problems, and blamed the other person for mistreating me.

 

Now, being a victim had its payoffs for me, or so I thought.  That is why I held onto the identity for so long, and still do pick it up on occasion. When I felt like or saw myself as a victim, I got to get the attention of others, that either sympathized with my pain, could identify with it, or were just being good friends to me, or so they thought.  It also enabled me to NOT have to look at myself.  Even though when I was seeing myself as a “victim”, in those moments, I would have afterthoughts of my own role in it,  but would not think on it for long.  I knew it was a part of myself that wasn’t pretty.

 

The biggest way that being a victim was of benefit to me, is that I never had to actively say Yes to my life.  To say yes would mean to embrace whatever changes I needed to make to really, truly realize my dreams.  To focus my energies like a laser beam to that which I wanted for myself.  No, being a victim was a great excuse to stay inactive in the path of my life.

 

And, even though the other person seemed to be shooting the arrows at me, I was the one who was wearing the target.  There it was, on my chest, day after day.  Walking around in front of the weapon, begging to be shot at.  GULP.

Gratefully, I got sick enough of being a target, that I started to empower myself.  I started to take chances, to say both Yes, and No, powerfully and lovingly.  I remembered that being a victim is me saying no to my life and yes to misery and inaction.  The beauty of not being a victim, is that I get to fully embrace and accept the things that happen in my world as my own creation.  When I am not a victim, I am a Warrior.  I stand openly for what it is that I want, in a peaceful, strong way.  I feel firm.  I feel free.  I feel ready to take the steps that keep me in Light.  

 

Taking the target off my chest, and embracing that Warrior instead, brought me into the most powerful moments of my Life.  

 

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Saying No.

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So, I have been contemplating a new job for the last few weeks. I was approached about an opening within our company, to do something pretty different than what I am doing now. It sounded exciting, intriguing, and like I could make a difference in this new position. It would be working in schools, helping young people to help themselves. I had been thinking recently of how much I enjoy spending time with my daughter and her friends, and it seemed like a logical transition.

I was called up for three separate interviews over the last three weeks. I felt like I had a great chance to be hired for it. I was thinking about the changes that would come, welcome changes for me. I had been feeling discouraged and not fulfilled by my current job. It seemed like just the right combination of factors for me to have a good, solid change in my life. A job that could see us through to the next phase of our lives in a couple of years.

Now, as you all may remember if you read me here on a regular basis, I am often advising and believing that we should say Yes in our lives whenever possible. My thinking in regard to this has often been that if we say no to many things in our lives, we disconnect from opportunities and ways to engage in life, to take a risk and even have some fun. Say Yes, I would say. And, that still holds true.

However, with this job, I thought about it a bit differently. At first, I was sure that this was an opportunity that was not to be missed. I felt flattered that I was so highly recommended; I felt encouraged that they had met with me three times, which led me to believe I was still in the running. Yet, something about it continued to nag at me a bit.

This new job meant travel, and while I love to travel for my job, this one had potential to be A LOT of travel, overnights frequently. And, that is where I had a flicker of doubt. You see, I have spent the last few years really building a LIFE for myself. With my daughter, I have been diligent about opening up communication and being available to her. Watching her grow and fly on her own. In love, I have said yes to all of it, and that means, meals together, early morning meditations, and everything in between. I love my life, right now, just as it is.

Yes, I have been feeling a bit discouraged and done with my current position. But, that isn’t about my workplace, or job duties, or hours. It is all about ME, and my attitude about my work. My aspirations for something different. My itchiness for the next, big thing. This job was to be an easy out.

SO, I said NO, firmly and honestly. I said no to this job, and yes to my family and my evening meals with my love. I said no to this job, and yes to my current job, my work friends, and an environment that I can count on and feel good about. I want to stay in the comfort and warmth of what I have now, and feels so good.

I said no to this job, and yes to the warm embrace and waiting arms of full, unbridled love. And that not only brings love into my life, but a deep sense of peace as well.

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The difference between Needing and Wanting.

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I really enjoy the work that I do. It is a balance between meeting with people in person that have mental health or addiction issues; and doing things behind the scenes. I also get to do a lot of training and teaching others, which I also enjoy. And, my work place is one of many examples in my life, where I have gotten to distinguish between having a want, and having a need.

I have always loved to be needed by others. Being available to someone fully felt like the right way to be, whether as a social worker or a partner. I felt intensely that I needed to be needed, that it helped me to define who I was in the world. As a social worker, if I was needed, desperately, then I would always have to be at work, or otherwise my work would not be done as well. I had to be the one to conduct a training on a certain topic, because certainly I was the only one that could do it right. Same in my personal relationships; I loved for those around me to have a need for me to be around, to take care of them. I needed to be needed by others.

When I focus on needing something in my life, it is a real desperation. When something in my life is seen as a need, rather than a want, I feel myself desperate if I don’t fulfill that need. I feel lost if those around me can function without me doing something for them; I don’t see my identity as anything other than the person who has to be there for someone, because it is what I do. There is a sense of clutching onto something out of fear of the unknown. There is also an arrogance to it all; that I am the only one that can take care of what needs to be done.

What I enjoy much more is the focus of wanting something. When I express something as a want, rather than a need, I am embracing my choice. I get to say Yes, or No, in a powerful way. Just listen to the difference of “I need to go to work”, and “I want to go to work”. There is no freedom in the need. When I say that I need to do something, I immediately feel like my freedom of choice is gone; there is most likely some form of guilt lingering behind the scenes, that will grow as I cater to that as a need.

When I say clearly what I want in my life, I am open. I am calling it into myself by declaring it. When I focus on something as a need, I am closed, and clutching myself, and desperate for my life to stay a certain way, rather than being open to change, opportunity and magic. When I state my desires as wants, rather than needs, I am saying yes to my life.

It is a way to declare who I Am in the world.

me at mu