Tag Archives: self-love

My Humanness.

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I went out last night with my wife, first for dinner, and then out to listen to some music. I always look forward to our evenings out together,  because we are spending some time as a couple; because I like visiting some of our favorite local businesses, and because I enjoy seeing people that I know. At those times, I feel social and available to others around me, and my environment. It feels freeing and peaceful, and I am present with how in touch with my own self and feel good about it.

 

We began the evening with dinner at our favorite restaurant in the city. We don’t go out to eat very often, but we enjoy this restaurant no matter what our other choices are. The food, atmosphere, and heart in the business draw us there, and it is warm, welcoming and delicious. I always see people that I know, including the owners, and even strangers feel known to me. I feel at home.

 

When we got to the second venue, to see some friends of ours who recently formed a new band perform, I knew right away that it felt different than where we had just been. Something inside of me didn’t feel like myself anymore. I felt like I didn’t want to be seen; that I was too old, not cool enough. And that even if there were people there that were familiar to me, I didn’t care to have them converse with me, ask about me. I wanted to go into a corner of the room, drink my drink and just listen to the music.  

 

Now keep in mind that for two years now, I stand on the street and give hugs to complete strangers to me. And it feels connected, true and warm when I am hugging those people. Like I am connecting with them on a level beyond words, beyond form. It feels deep and true, both what I offer and what I receive. So, to feel uncomfortable in a room with many people, some of whom I knew or could get to know, I felt closed, not connected at all. 

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This morning, when I was sitting quietly, I found the space in me that feels like an open wound. A wound that has been around for years, some years more intensely than others, and is my own tendency toward self loathing and attack. That not wanting to be with other people in an open way, had nothing to do with them, but myself. It feels raw and vulnerable to see the ways in which I want to attack myself for not being enough. When I start to feel really good and sure of myself, Ego is never far away, reminding me of the voice that exists that is self deprecating and attacking. It is always there, wanting to undermine me in some way, undermine who I know myself to really be. 

 

With deep gratitude this morning, I say a hearty Thank You for the awareness that catches this in myself. And remembers what the real truth is. The truth is that I am complex and made up of many parts and aspects, in my human form. I have been domesticated in many ways in my life, about many things, and only now in my life do I have the eyes to understand that none of what I was taught is true. That the truth is that I am perfect; I am Light; and to Love myself is blessed. And that I am a part of All and can embrace that fully, but only by honoring and loving myself deeply first.

 

It can be daunting some days to love myself. Yet, I will continue to remind myself every day of how beautiful that is, and how opening myself fully shines my Light more brightly into the world. It reminds me that I am not alone, ever.

Fearing but Craving Connection

 

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Love, No Matter What.

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I have to say that I had a big expectation of what today would look like, for myself, for the people that are closest to me, and for the world. I was invested in an outcome. For me, the outcome is not what I would have wanted, nor chosen had it been left up to only me. Yet, here we are. This is what has been chosen. And, whether your vote was cast for the winning candidate, or not, or not at all, we have all chosen up to this point what this outcome is.

 

And gratefully, I understand the choice that I still have before me. I did not spend today crying and full of despair and hopelessness, although I easily could have. I most likely would have, only a few months ago. I saw the world in its form as the reality, and believed that what happened outside of me is what dictated what occurred inside of me. I was invested in the theory that if someone says hurtful things, or tells stories, that they must become my belief system. I would be filled with fear, remorse, self loathing, and lack. I would have been blaming the world for being a bummer and bringing me down from how I felt about myself.

 

Today, I am full of Peace. I know now that to show Love, Compassion, Peace and Forgiveness to the world, it must live in me first. I have built an amazing temple within of self love over the last few months. I have been diligent about it. What does diligence of self love look like? It is reading, writing, and listening to spiritual practices, guides, and texts every day. It is breathing deeply as often as possible. It is removing gossip from my life and being true to my ideals. It is thinking before I speak. It is looking in the mirror, thinking a negative thought about myself, and taking it back, forgiving myself. It is deep, deep gratitude for every, single thing that is here for me in my world. EVERYTHING. 

 

As I have expanded my experiences in the last eighteen months of hugging persons that I didn’t know, and those that I did, one thing became more and more apparent: the deeper that I was loving myself, the more open I was to hugging anyone and everyone that came my way. No restrictions, no exclusions, fewer and fewer assumptions of why certain groups of people would not want to be hugged, or comfortable with human contact. Little by little I let go of my beliefs and opened up to new experiences. And the results, for me and the other person, were nothing less than transformative and profound.

 

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In order for us to not want to attack, destroy, and vilify one another, we must let go of our fear.  Yes, if you must grieve, of what you perceive has been lost, then do so. Do not dwell in your grief; do not live in your box of fear. Feel your feelings, release them, and get back to the business of Love. Of Compassion. Of Forgiveness. Surrender to What is, in this very moment. Unless we begin from our Essence, by acknowledging our own beauty, light and perfection, we will find any and all faults in one another, and the destruction will be complete and devastating. There will be little room for humanity to be visible anymore.

 

Be Present. Breathe Deeply. Love yourself more fiercely than you have ever allowed yourself to do before. When we Love ourselves from that place, we can not help but to be Brave, Be Strong, Be a Warrior of Love. Because, to not survive, but to thrive, we must believe and live Love, no matter who. No matter where.

 

Love. No Matter What.

 

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The Truth.

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There is a truth that exists that is designed to set us all free from our beliefs and madness.  It is not a truth that needs to be proven, as it is universal for all.  It is not a truth that can easily be described with words.  It can only be felt.  My words here attempt to come close to what I believe and feel it to mean.

 

Self care, self love, begins with a gentle spirit.  With a soft, still voice that speaks almost in a whisper.  It gently brushes my being like a breeze on my cheek.  It does not apologize or stammer about what it inspires, or where it comes from within us.  It softly reminds us of our own beauty and worth.  

 

It is the light within us that is always there, always burning, yet at times it is as if our eyes are closed, so we cannot see it.  Or as if our ears are covered with our own hands, so we do not hear it.  Yet, it keeps gently whispering to us, unhindered by a lack of response.  We are created, we are born from, a light that is eternal and infinite.  It is pure love, forgiveness, peace.  

 

It is always waiting for us to return, at least in recognizing its presence.  Its presence reminds me of my own light and innocence, that so many days I forget out of my own ego amnesia.  

 

I am light.

I am love.  

I am innocent, beautiful and free.  

 

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Love is All you need.

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I have said it often in my blog before, that I have times when I feel completely overwhelmed, discouraged, and vulnerable. I feel scared and alone. I feel like whatever it is that I am experiencing can not be understood by anyone else. I feel like there is a darkness that exists inside of me, and around me, and that the light that is supposedly there will never be seen again.

Sound familiar?

So, when that happened with me a few days ago, I was sure that the feeling would not pass anytime soon. Then, I woke up the next day and still felt the residue. I was sure it would not pass easily, and yet, over the hours of that next day, the darkness slowly dissipated and gave way to the light that was waiting for me.

What I thought about when I let the light return, is that all that I ever need to remember on any given day is what I can do to return to love. What I can do to return to peace. What I can do to connect or join with my world. And, when I am in that feeling of darkness, I am not choosing any of those things.

When I am feeling dark, I am choosing to not love myself, or others, and it becomes so tempting and juicy to judge others around me more than ever. When I am feeling alone or discouraged, I am choosing to throw my inner peace away and then blame the world for stealing it from me. When I am tearful and overwhelmed, I am actively choosing to disconnect from those around me, and then acting as if no one could possibly understand what I am going through.

And yet, the answer is always waiting for me, and it is so simple. In any given moment, when it seems most dark and despairing, I get to choose to embrace myself with pure love, for whatever it is that I am experiencing or what I need. For me, self love, deeply loving and accepting myself, wherever I am at, allows me to see the world with loving eyes. It seems so much more complicated like that at the time, like I need the outside world to do something for me, to acknowledge that I am lovable and have true worth. But that isn’t the answer at all. The answer is me.

And I also believe that this is true for all of us as human beings. That when we love ourselves as deeply and consistently as we possibly can, we will embrace our peace. We will openly connect with the world around us. We will not be tempted to judge others or the world around us. For when we see ourselves with eyes love, the world around us will be a loving place, always.

Love, really, is all we need.

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Leave Nothing Undone.

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For a few weeks now, I have had death on my mind. Mainly because a person in Hannah’s life has been really sick, and passed away last week. It is her first close experiencing with someone that she loves passing away. It is a deep learning time for her, in knowing how grief looks for her, and what she needs to do to heal and go on.

It is a close reminder for me of how much I love this life. I enjoy my family, my friends, and being in my work and my community. I really do find something, usually many things, to be grateful for in every day. And, I know that there are many things that I would still like to do in this life before I leave it.

I believe that we need to leave nothing undone. So, if you want cheesecake, have it. If you love someone, tell them. When we put off doing what it is we truly want to do, but feel too afraid or self conscious to do it, we may not have the same, unique chance to do it again. So, don’t wait.

I think about how hard death is on the living, on those persons who feel left behind by the loved one who has died. How those loved ones wonder maybe how they will go on, what is left for them, what they will do without the person they loved here with them. I wonder myself when I think about those around me that I love, and if they weren’t here with me physically anymore. It is a distinct reminder of how I want to live my life.

Sure, it feels scary sometimes, many times, to face up to my inner fears and be vulnerable. Or to be myself full on in this world. Yet, if I really live true to what I believe, all that I really have is this moment, RIGHT NOW. That is all any one of us has at any given time. And, if that is true, I want to live it to the fullest, enjoy all the nectar that this sweet moment has to offer. And, I want to continue to live a life free of regret and what if’s. So, that is my plan, and I hope yours as well.

Leave NOTHING undone. EVER.

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