I have been a fraud most of my life, and the first time that I admitted that a few years ago, I was so scared to put the words to the page. Terrified to let others know the truth about who I was underneath, after having such a shiny veneer surface in the world for so many years. It is only in the last few months, literally, that I have pulled back the veil and really gotten to the nuts and bolts of who I really Am.
Does this sound confusing? Believe me, it has felt like a cyclone of thoughts and feelings for me, over my lifetime and more specifically, in the last couple of months. I have come to terms, rather, come to some realizations about the real Truths that make me, me. And, the result is feeling more free, peaceful and loving than I have, ever in my entire life.
Does this sound impossible? Dramatic? It has felt like the ride of my life, yet where I was meant to come to within myself all along. Let me tell you more. When I say, I have been a fraud, what I mean is that I have had a beautiful, cheery exterior. On the outside of my soul vessel, I would project an image of happiness, self confidence, intelligence and light. And, most of the time, I felt some or all of those things. However, I felt those positive things about myself, by whatever was reflected back to me. So, if someone was interested in what I had to say, and thought that I was smart, then I would radiate that. If a person was attracted to or interested in dating me, I radiated that outwardly. If I lost fifty pounds and liked what I saw in the mirror, then I beamed. I took the outside world as evidence of the truth that I should be or display.
The other edge of the sword however, was that when the outside stimuli that I would take in was what I perceived as negative, or not encouraging toward me, I would deem myself as unworthy; bad; fat; ugly; dumb. I took the perceived words and truths from others to be my truth. So that was the first of many of my problems: that I believed whatever the outside world told me that I was or should be, and saw that as the real truth not only about who I was, but who I had to project myself as.
However, the biggest way in which I was fraudulent, was that I pretended, not only to the outside world, but to myself, that I was never resentful. Angry. Disappointed. Judgmental. Petty. If I admitted that I had those aspects that lived in me, then what kind of human was I? And, when I did admit them out loud, I would immediately attack myself internally, because I believed that made me a bad person. Frankly, an asshole. And I had spent a lifetime trying to believe that I wasn’t an asshole, but never quite got there. I started being more transparent about this a few years ago, with others and with myself, but didn’t really have the lessons sink in until quite recently. I still didn’t see my true essence.
At the beginning of this year, however, something seemed to shift in me. It wasn’t because it was a new year, and I wanted to start with a clean slate; I don’t wait for a new year, start of the week or something else to begin getting happy. Something about it just felt like a time for shifting. So, slowly and surely, over the last three months, my conversations have been more genuine, I have talked about my own vulnerability and perceived ugliness more openly and consistently, and began tuning in more to what would really feel good to do for myself. I see my sameness with everyone else that I encounter. I started meditating, just a few minutes each morning. I went to Reiki, for the first time in my life, and was tuning in more deeply than I ever had before.
And, slowly and deeply, I began to shift. The shift feels subtle at the same time that it feels like an earthquake. I have awakened my chakras within me, and I can see my own light bursting forth. And, even though my light has shone in the world for many years now, I never saw it. Not as the pure love, peace and adoration that it is. I see my own Light. I see it clearly and I am not afraid of it anymore. My heart is more open than it has ever been. And, I understand, not just as a saying, but as a practice, that it has to and can only begin with me.
My essential nature is Pure Love. Yours is, too.