Tag Archives: telling the truth

Please, help me.

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I have defined myself as a helper for most, if not all of my life. From an early age, I wanted to always help others, and to give them gifts and special things. It isn’t something that I necessarily thought about, it just felt as if it lived in me as part of who I am. This giving and offering applied to my family, friends, and strangers. As I got older, it felt like a longing that meant that I wanted to choose a career in which I could offer myself to others. To me, that meant social work. And, although I have loved what I have done as my career all of these years, I don’t seek so much of myself in it as I used to in the past.  As a social worker, and a counselor, I have come to find it quite normal to always focus on what others need, or how they are not capable of taking care of themselves, and require my assistance. I see humans as much more capable than I used to, so I feel less needed to provide a service, but rather, see in them the ability to help themselves.

 

Another aspect of who I have been in my life, is that I rarely have asked for help for myself. Not only do I offer to do almost everything that may be required in a given situation, I rarely ask for others to actively help me. And, if I am in a bad situation, it is often not my comfort zone to ask someone to assist me. 

 

One area that I find it interesting is in how prayer has been present in my life as I have grown. When I was a child, and even in college, I would enjoy going to church, participating in the structure and tradition of it all, with prayers and song. I loved that I knew the prayers by heart, and would enjoy reciting them in unison with others in the church. I even prayed at night, or various other times, to God, as I knew of it at the time, for help for others. I never, ever asked God for help for myself. To me, to ask God for something that I wanted, or needed, was selfish. Was me asking God to give me something that I should be able to take care of myself. In other words, God was not responsible for my happiness or relief; I was. 

 

Letting go of the belief that I am solely responsible for the happenings of my life, without the need for others to assist, has been a challenge for me. Mostly, in the area of where God, or Spirit, fits into my life. I would rarely remember that God, or Spirit, is always with me, and I am always part of it, and it is there as the purest form of who I Am. And, there to assist, guide, and support. Yet, I am beginning to understand how important that is right now for me. Being able to say to Spirit, please, help me, to see this situation as it is. To let go or surrender. To remember that I am resting always in the Peace of God. That this is just a dream. That the form does not matter. These are the parts of my daily living that feel most challenging, and yet, I still believe that I need to solely rely on myself to remember. 

 

Most recently, with life form situations that have happened in my world, I have remembered with more frequency to call upon Spirit for help, when I am in a moment that does not feel peaceful, yet I am longing for peace. I am aware that I am not choosing Peace, and yet, need some assistance in choosing Peace. That is when Spirit is right there, for me and with me, to hold me up and remind me, gently and lovingly, what Peace feels like, and that I always have help in choosing it. That I am not in ever in this alone; that I am always held by and watched over by Spirit. That all is well. That Peace lives within me. And Forgiveness. And Love. And when I cannot remember to choose them, it is a beautiful comfort to know the help that exists to help me choose.

 

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To Ruthie. With Love.

 

 

Telling the Truth.

ID-100225739I am a truthful person, and keep discovering how telling the truth helps move me forward in my life journey.  Yet today I proved to myself, yet again, that telling the truth is the only way for me to live a meaningful life.

 

While spending time with a friend this afternoon, I told her the truth about something significant and deeply personal going on in my life.  Although I suspected she knew a bit of what I wanted to share with her, I wasn’t sure how much.  I told her, I cried, I felt such relief and joy that the truth was known, fully.  And, I felt like it brought us closer in some ways.

 

In any given moment, on any day at any time, I can choose to conceal my truth from the outside world.  I can do it in minor ways, like saying I am “fine” when really I am hurting inside.  Or, I can do it in more significant ways, like telling a story about myself that isn’t true.  Even though there are variations of lying to others, and ourselves, lies are lies.  They destroy.  They keep us in darkness.  They allow us to play a part in this world that is not authentically who we are.

 

So, telling the truth feels better.  But initially, and even in midstream, it feels super scary.  Will I be judged?  Will this person really understand what it is that I am going through?  Will they still be there with me?  Will I be standing alone in all of this?

 

We all want to be loved for who we really are.  Yet, we are also afraid to tell the truth, and be our authentic selves with one another.  We can’t have it both ways; if we want authenticity, if we want the opportunity to be loved for who we are, then we have to show and tell others who it is that we are.  We have to stand in that truth.  We have to feel certain that no matter what the outside world seems to say about it, that being ourselves is really the only way to be.  

 

It is the pathway to freedom and peace.

 

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Looking with Eyes of Love.

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Last night, we went to the grocery store to get supplies for our Mexican inspired dinner. As we waited in line, which seems to take longer than expected, we both were observing the people all around us, from cashiers to customers to baggers. At one point, Brenda asked me what I thought it would be like, to look upon every person, and to accept them just as they are?

As I thought about that, and started to be aware of how I was actually viewing others, I looked more lovingly at others around me. It really made a difference. I looked differently at the man in line in front of us who had a lot of coupons; I looked differently at the woman behind us who seemed annoyed and angry at the children who were with her; I looked differently at the person who was bagging the groceries at the end of the counter. I seemed to be looking upon them all with eyes of love.

Looking at the world, and the people and circumstances in it, with eyes of love, is a scary task. At first, I want to say how difficult it is, to look at others around us and to accept them as they are. Yet, as I have said here before, it isn’t necessarily that it is difficult to do. More accurately, to my way of thinking at least, we are afraid to look at the world with eyes of love, all the time. Actually, I don’t think it is possible to look at the world through eyes of love all of the time. I am too filled with fear. My fears have diminished over the years, and I feel more assured to live in the world as my authentic self more than ever before. However, I am still afraid.

The plain truth of it is, is that when I see someone in the world, that I want to cast a judgment upon, it is because that is a judgment that I hold toward myself. So, when I see a person in the grocery store and I judge them for taking a long time in line, or because I find them to be annoying, that is because I am afraid of the annoyance that I am putting upon the world. When I judge that person, it is a prime opportunity for me to declare war upon myself, for some shortcoming that I see in myself.

We make it about the people around us so many times, yet, it is really all about us, and how we view ourselves. We are universal beings, yet we tend to forget that in most moments of the day. Let me say that again: We are Universal beings. We are ALL connected.

There has been many times in my life, prior to a few short years ago, when I would say that I knew that we were universal, that we were all connected, yet in my mind, I would be judging others as being separate than me. My thoughts and my words did not match up AT ALL. I was being a hypocrite, while say all of the right things. It wasn’t out of malice, and there was definitely a desire to connect with others, and see how we are all one. It was that the thought of being connected to others was so frightening and overwhelming to think about. I mean, what if I say I am connected to or just like the person that murders? The person that hits their children? The person that uses drugs or abandons their families?

The beauty in all of that for me now, is that we are one another. We are all one. I deeply believe that now. However, there are many moments when I forget that it is the real truth. When I look upon those around me with eyes of judgment. When I find a reason that I believe is justified, to be separate from those around me.

So, there will always be someone around to remind me of how connected we really are. Whether it is my love in the grocery store, my cat being in the last stages of life, or me reminding myself of what I really believe. I don’t have to do it perfectly, I just have to remind myself as often as possible that we really are all connected.

And remember that looking upon the world with eyes of love means that I am also loving myself.

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Whatever you Do, Tell the Truth about It.

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So, last night we went out for a beautiful, delicious, romantic dinner. We went to a local restaurant that we had been to before, the atmosphere is amazing, and the food delicious. We both were looking forward to our evening all day, and we were not to be disappointed.

Our friend works there, and she was our server for the evening. She had been aware, since Brenda and I have been together, that I was sober, that I didn’t drink at all. So, last night, it was my next opportunity to tell the truth about making a different choice in my life. As Brenda told her that I would be ordering wine, I knew this was yet another opportunity to stand in the truth.

I was nervous. I felt self conscious about how I was changing my mind. How it would appear to others. Yet, I felt no guilt. I felt no shame. I just felt nervous.

And, I was telling the truth.

I drank a glass of wine, for the first time in more than three years. It wasn’t earth shaking; it felt normal, easy, and comfortable. It was a great moment to share with my love, and a moment for me to participate in. I paired the aroma with our food; I swirled it in the glass. I savored it.

This morning, I felt peaceful. I felt whole. I didn’t feel anything residual at all, like guilt, or remorse. I felt complete freedom. It felt like the only choice that I had made last evening was the equivalent of whether or not I wanted to order dessert. It was that simple.

I am finding out clearly that courage is not defined as fearlessness. I still have fear, Brenda has fear, others that I encounter may have fears about me living in truth. I can be afraid, and still be full of courage, and love, and peace about experiencing my life, and doing so in balance.

I have lived my life in the extremes for much of it, being either dramatically overwhelmed or ecstatically happy. It feels like contentment now, being in my life from moment to moment, and yet detached at the same time. Detached from the judgments and head trips that I have wanted to do about it in the past. Just being in it, and loving myself throughout it.

Whatever you Do, Tell the Truth about It. That is what sets us free.

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My truth versus The truth.

I have been thinking quite a bit the last few days, about what it means to tell the truth. Although I pride myself on being a truthful person, and I am reaping the benefits of being truthful in my life, I have been more savvy about discerning the various types of truth there may be in my life.

First type of truth, is MY truth. My truth means, that the story feels and seems real, based on what what my perception is. Or, based on what I want to see happen, or what my expectation is for the outcome. So, for example, if I have a belief, which I have in the past, that I have done everything possible to help improve or sustain a relationship, then my truth was that the other person involved was the reason for the breakdown in communication, or that person was solely to blame for things not working out.

Hence, my truth is not always THE TRUTH.

My truth now, however, is a bit more evolved. Although my Ego loves to jump in and impulsively blame others for why my life isn’t going so smoothly at times, I tend to tell my truth less often about others. Now, my truth is about what is accurate, right and fair for me. In my effort and focus on letting go of expectation, and releasing my need to always know the ending to the story, I am speaking not for others, but more often, for myself.

This can also be tricky, however. For, in speaking up for what my truth is, meaning, what is true for me only, it can sound a bit self centered. Me, me, me. However, that is not the intention. The intention is merely to speak from my own point of view, without assuming the point of view of others, nor expecting others to feel the same.

The truth, meaning, a general concept of fact that can apply to more than one person (my off the cuff definition which seems to fit), is what I am opening my eyes to more often lately. In the past, the only truth that I was willing to embrace was my own. I often did not take into account, that the world could exist very sufficiently, based on principles other than my own. I had to face up to the fact that other people can offer thoughts about life that are accurate and profound and that could even work for me.

The fine line that I get to walk now is discerning between what the real truth is; at the same time that I am owning my truth. So, being honest in my intention and words, when speaking for myself, yet also having the wisdom to see the full truth about any life situation.

I am forever learning, growing, and changing as I progress in this life. The beauty of that is, that I don’t ever have to remain stagnant, I get to keep expanding every moment that I allow the lessons to come to me. The more that I expand, and the more truth that I embrace, the more free I get to be.

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