The Truth does not depend on whether or not you believe it. 💙
Now that I have begun to be more willing, more often, to be one with the quiet, I feel this measure of peace that cannot be quantified or described with mere words. 💛
I Am expanding. And shrinking.
Consciousness expanding. Ego/identity shrinking.
It feels miraculous.
Photo by Keith Perks
My young adult son has been going through some deep emotional struggles in the last couple of weeks. He reached a point that felt like a bottom of sorts; a feeling of being in a pit that he did not how to get himself out of. My deep, raw, maternal instincts kicked in, not only because he asked for my help, but because he is my blood, my being, my child. So I went to him, helped him through the darkest parts, and stayed close by to be near as he healed.
At various times over the last two weeks, I have felt like he was a small child again, and I was his protector, his guardian, his mommy. That has shown itself in various ways, in me breaking down in tears as I saw him at his most vulnerable; feeling lost, alone and afraid about what might happen next; wanting to clean his house, buy his groceries, and take care of his every need. I would feel it, resist it, and feel it again. It was like one of the most intense roller coasters that I have ever ridden.
And today, I am getting off.
Today, I go back home to my world, the life that I have built with him, and since he went out on his own. I feel scared, and sad, and worried as his mom. I wonder if he will be okay at moments. Yet I know that he will be. I see him as capable, and free. And I know, that any time I hold tightly to him, or anyone, that is Fear showing itself. And, although understanding and accepting Fear can help with self love, compassion and understanding, I still get afraid. And, I keep going forward. Keep remembering that feeling fear is normal, and that I will always encounter it in my life, I feel certain. Yet, to release it is a gift.
Letting go is always hard for me on and off in my life, with family members, friends, co workers, even in traffic. Letting go has been hardest for me in the last nineteen years as a parent, as a mom. A small being that is so vulnerable that you have to protect them from everything, who keeps growing, expanding and evolving and becoming more self sufficient. More independent. They not only grow up, but grow away. It is beautiful, and scary at the same time.
Yet, in that time, we have built beautiful bridges and structures of Trust, Love, Forgiveness and Understanding. That is what we stand upon now. I have come to deeply appreciate how capable, strong and willing my son is to grow, to heal, to keep expanding and loving himself more and more. And, I will probably continue to have lessons in my life of when I hold on tightly, and when I need to let go, again and again.
This morning, I see clearly the beauty in the Letting Go. The Freedom that it allows us both. The capability that we both stand in. And, I embrace it with open arms.
The autumn is settling in here in our home in Northeastern Pennsylvania. There is a chill in the air that lingers past noon; and then the warmth of the sun penetrates the cold and fills me up. I love being outdoors much of the time, but Fall is one of my favorite times. An extra layer, a hat, and feeling cozy. I really enjoy and appreciate the change of the season.
I have been appreciating a lot of change in my life lately. As a writer, and as a lover of other people’s writing, I would often, in the past, want my writing to primarily be relatable to others, and so would be what I would write. I would also relate closely to what others would writer, so when I read other writers’ blogs, I would tend to follow the ones that spoke to me in some direct way, either through their experiences, or feelings about those experiences. Reminding me of something in my own life, perhaps.
Yet lately, I have been sensing a change, a change in perspective, over the last couple of weeks in particular. As I have been appreciating and embracing my own, unique writer’s voice more deeply, I have had a more genuine appreciation for all of the unique writers’ voices that I have been reading. I have expanded my willingness to see life from a variety of perspectives. This has opened up to me to the realization, thank goodness, of every person’s story being of worth and purpose. It has reminded me that it is always refreshing, and fun, to see things from a new perspective.
I’ve been so afraid of that in my life at times, to see a different point of view. I mean, if I look at the world in a different way than I have before, won’t something go wrong? Doesn’t that dismiss anything that I have believed before? I understand now that the answers to my fearful questions is no, and that I am ready to appreciate, and celebrate, all of the unique manifestations of our Universal selves, in all their varied forms. And, looking at something from a different perspective isn’t a dismissal of what I already know, nor does it threaten it in any way. It is just different, plain and simple.
I headed out with my camera yesterday, my other, brilliant instrument of expression, and instead of viewing my world only horizontally, I looked up. What a brilliant, amazing new perspective! And, what beauty was waiting there for me. I only ever need to look at the world, just a bit differently, just change my view ever so slightly, to see the awe and wonder that lives there. It is astounding.